Fulcrum Monkey Brachiates through life!!!

2010-06-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

I just went in and did a little updating on Karl's FB, so of course I've been in tears the past hour, but as I think about how much I miss him, I can't help but feel grateful for the life he left me.

I've also been so crazy amazed by our kid lately, and I hope wherever he is he can see the delightful little boy Elliot's becoming. He's so like his Daddy - charming, intelligent, totally into leggos, and won't give you a one word answer when he can instead talk your ear off for a whole minute, but the gist of it is still, "Yes."

Life isn't fair. If it were fair, he'd be here to enjoy this time with me - with us. He'd have had enough of a scare that he'd be taking better care of himself, and loving life that much more. His son would know how much he loved him, and how proud he was.

No, it isn't fair. But life isn't bad either. We all have only so much time, and how we choose to spend it matters. Those of us who are here can still stand in the sun and let it shine on out faces. We can run through fountains and spin in circles and laugh at nothing at all. We can appreciate the life we have, make it bigger and better, and in so doing honor the memories of those who go before us.

I'll always miss Karl, but I'll never despair. It's the only way I know to tip the scale. The more pain there is in death, the more joy we need in life. The more I miss him, the more I have to savor the gifts he left.

I may not make it back before Sunday, so I'll just say it now; Happy Father's Day, wherever else you are, I know you are alive in our little monkey. I love you.

2010-04-13T22:17:00.000-07:00

Hi there, monkeys. Yeah, it's been a while. I'm mostly writing at BrachiatingBaby now, but I still think about the Fulcrum a lot.

I went to a wedding this past weekend. Actually, I was the matron of honor, but thankfully that was never actually put in print. Matron sounds rather dowdy and a little dull. I think maid may have been more appropriate, not because I'm so svelte and exciting I deny the Matron tag, but because I did a fair bit of cleaning and toting things about. I was certainly honored to play the role, tho, and i think I did it admirably.

Weddings have been an emotional challenge, obviously. I miss Karl all the time, but particularly when everything around me is all about marriage. I feel the empty spot at my side heavily. It's so strange that before I lost Karl, I hardly had attended a wedding that I wasn't working, and since he died I've been to so many. He should have attended every one with me, and the unfairness of it manifests in a throbbing that's like dizziness in my chest.

Saturday's blue sky and warm breeze couldn't have been more beautiful if we'd ordered them. I stood on the beach beside my dear friend, and smiled with real joy watching her marry a man I believe is worthy of her. Her sister, who also stood with her, is expecting her first child in July. Standing between them, enveloped by such hope and happiness, I dared to wish for all things, and to believe in the possibility of another chance.

It's such a strange state to exist in - this half life, double life - whatever life it is I'm living. I was joined, and unjoined, and split in between. Part of me lives for him, part of him lives in me, but that doesn't exclude me from being whole in myself.

There's just this feeling in my head, or my heart, or my soul - wherever feelings come from. I used to have it all figured out, you know, and now I barely believe that dreams and reality aren't mixed up, and my waking self is really the dreamer... but the feeling I have, no matter where it comes from, it's warm. It's hopeful. I believe the promise it whispers, especially when I feel it's fingertips brushing the world, bringing to life so many dreams - weddings, babies, dances, kisses...

I dreamed of laying in a field, looking up through branches both frosted white and budding green, leaves fluttering, filtering sunshine. If only I could paint, surely I could make it understood.

The promise is made, the universe knows.

2010-01-22T13:20:00.000-08:00

I got a phone call from a friend yesterday that took me straight back to August 08. A friend of a friend, one whom I liked quite a bit but never really got to know, died suddenly while he was home alone. He had two high school age daughters; one of them found him when she got home from school.

While I don't think there really is an answer for "why" this happens, beyond the obvious medical explanations, I still think it's terribly unfair that some people get more time than others. I think it's especially sad when good parents don't get as much time as they should with their children, and children lose their parents early in life.

All I can think is that we have to remember that we don't know when our time will be up, so make the most of every moment. Spend time where it matters - close to those you love.

2010-01-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how I've changed since Karl died. You see all these movies where somebody's lost their spouse, and what ticks me off lately is that often it seems like the only way they are allowed to be happy, healthy, or whole again is to find the next spouse, who is, in fact, the same person as the one they lost.

"She could peel a whole apple in one long piece."

"He only does that with you."

The last year has been challenging, obviously. I had been lucky enough to find somebody who loved me and took care of me, more than I knew till he was gone. I've learned to be my own cheerleader, my own chef, and my own friend. Not that I don't have an amazing support nework who also does this, but I really didn't do it for myself before. I was far more critical of my own thoughts and actions.

Now I cut myself a lot more slack than I used to, and am far less inclined to feel guilty or put up with crap. Maybe it's the part of Karl that stayed behind in me - the part that loved me most - that reminds me now that I am worth loving. And because I'm able to forgive myself for being weak, I think I'm stronger.

"The Missing Piece Meets the Big O" has a much healthier take on moving forward. It's not so much about finding what you are missing as realizing that you have it in you to be whole on your own. It may be challenging and awkward and wobbly as the ragged edges get smoothed out, but keep working at it, and soon you're rolling right along. Maybe slower than before, maybe smaller than before, but whole all the same, and able to grow.

2009-12-16T15:18:00.000-08:00

I didn't know i had gmail set to record chats. Most of my chatting with Karl was on FB, but it turns out I have some saved conversations on gmail too. They made me so happy, I have to share. An unexpected Christmas present from Google.

12:07 PM Karl: meep

12:08 PM whatever happened to our cheap hotel rooms? Do we still have that?

me: erm, i dunno

Karl: we should find out

me: i think at least one expired

Karl: and go somewhere

and snuggle

in a cheap hotel

me: when when when???

Karl: my lovely wife

me: :)

12:09 PM Karl: sometime soon

me: do you have a spring breal?

break?

Karl: The friday and Monday

four day weekend

but that's not until April

12:10 PM me: hmmm

Karl: It's only March tomorrow

me: well..... any sooner long weekends?

Karl: nope

12:11 PM it's a shitty term

the kids have the twelf off

but I have a work day

me: doesn't leave much snuggle time

12:12 PM Karl: nope

me: and me turning into an elephant and all

Karl: are you swelling?

me: my jeans don't fit today

Karl: Have you been on the scale

time to go shopping

12:13 PM me: i've lost weight acc. to the scale

2 lbs

Karl: maybe the ababy is eating you

me: eeeek!

Karl: hehehehehehe

12:14 PM me: baby's in my belly = shouldn't be eating me

bad baby

12:15 PM Karl: hehe

I am being a bad daddy

I should be grading

me: uh oh

Karl: but I am not

so sad

12:16 PM me: no, you are allowed a little time off

to chat up your wife

Karl: ok

me: ergh. bellyache.

12:17 PM Karl: what are you up to today?

are you going to the safehouse?

I tried to clean a little this morning so that the place would devolve so fast

cleaning up after myself I mean

12:18 PM me: i'll go in to safehouse this afternoon

after lunch

12:20 PM Karl: I emailed Liz about the thing next Friday at the Scottish arms

she told me to tell you hello

12:21 PM me: i tell her hello in return

Karl: are we doing Vanessa's tonight?

me: I think so - are we not?

Karl: I just remembered it

I'm up for it

12:22 PM me: should be fun - she really wants to have more people time

12:23 PM Karl: yes

me: if I add the cheese knives to mom's order

and dill stuff

that puts us over 300

but then what do we buy???

12:24 PM aaaaaaaahhrrggg?

Karl: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

12:26 PM Honey, I don't know... oh, the apple peeler for my folks

as a gift for their 50th

me: ok

that's what we'rll do

12:27 PM Karl: are you sure?

are there more fun options?

12:28 PM me: i'm looking

Karl: ok

11 minutes

12:40 PM me: ok

i don't teach math either

i'm clearly on crack

Karl: were we ok

on the numbers?

me: i added them the other night

and came up with totally different numbers

now i only have $250

12:41 PM Karl: double check everyone's orders

12:42 PM Mom, Sue, Vanessa, Mellissa, us, Terry, Julie

all there?

me: yep

12:43 PM i'm adding item by item

Karl: did we buy two of everything?

me: and nowhere near 300

groan

12:44 PM which is fine

i just get $0 in stuff

$10

12:45 PM whatever

Karl: pyramid schemes have great pyramid appeal cause they're made with consumer demands that are real....

to the tune of tater skins

12:46 PM me: stupid pyramid

12:47 PM i'm just getting the cheese set at $10 off

Karl: ok

ok, must work

c u late

12:48 PM r

me: k.

28 minutes

1:16 PM Karl: meep

meep

1:17 PM meeple

me: mooop

Karl: zweeply

I am so bad

me: zoooooooba

Karl: I got nothing done in my prep

me: bad bad bad

Karl: yeah well

1:18 PM I have first hour prep tomorrow

that rocks for getting work done

me: it'll all work out

it usually does

Karl: third hour prep you are already exhausted

I'm not worried

I'm smerply

me: oooh. shmerply. i see.

1:19 PM Karl: somewhere there is a little us growing

I dreamt about frogs last night

me: itty bitty tadpole

Karl: I dreamt we had a little aquatic frog

1:20 PM maybe we should get one

those dog watering things are on sale at petsmart

I think I'll get one on my way home

I also have to stop at ITT

me: ok

Karl: for some paperwork

me: i have to call a doctor

i'm all nervous

1:21 PM Karl: Tempe or Sandy?

me: start with tempe beause she sent me a name

Karl: ok

the bell will ring soon

and then I must teach

me: diiiing

1:22 PM Karl: soon

not yet

three minutes

or sooooooo

me: ooh. gniiiid

Karl: all our fish seem so happy

I watched them all last night before you got home

me: were they smiling?

1:23 PM Karl: singing actually

me: that's pretty happy

1:25 PM Karl: there's the bell

I must salivate now

c u

2009-12-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

Mom kept Elliot last night. I taught for a friend at Third Degree, who had to go home for her grandfather's funeral. I'm not very good at nights alone. I cry more when Elliot's not in the house.

I had one of those dreams that is so happy it hurts to wake up. I was pregnant, and Karl was alive. We were staying with my grandmother in Arkansas. She's really been gone for years now, but there she was, so excited about my baby, and full of questions about Elliot. She stood at her kitchen table sorting through hand made baby clothes - tiny little sweaters and socks...

I remember sitting on her couch, my hand on my belly. I remember that full, solid, melon like quality, and the comfort of feeling the baby move. I said "I hope it's a girl," but I didn't really. Even as I said it, I knew it was another boy, and I was glad.

I was due in October. Elliot and his baby brother would have close birthdays. They'd be three years apart.

That had always been my plan.

2009-11-26T05:36:00.000-08:00

Things I'm Thankful For

Elliot, who makes me smile even when life's trowing rotten tomatoes

My family, who would love me even if I did give up, so they keep me going

My friends, who encourage me, inspire me, and make me laugh

My home and my neighbors. I love living with the memories I have here, and knowing the people around me care

PSRS - Karl's retirement plan, and the beautiful loophole that lets me spend so much time with my son without worrying about how we'll pay for food on the table or the roof over our heads

Time - there may never be enough, but I'm so glad I have what I do of it.

Thursday morning music class and Thursday night knitting, keeping me a little social despite my isolationist tendencies

Strength, Hope, and Resilience, which make up a critical part of my character. Whether it's nurture or nature, I'm grateful to my parents for giving me these

Digital Photography for making it so easy to take a walk down memory lane, share the latest moments of our lives with friends across the country, and freedom to go ahead and shoot 100 pictures of that sunset, one of em' will turn out, and it's just pixels - nothing to waste

Indoor plumbing. No list is complete without this one

Happy Thanksgiving - I hope your own list of blessings is long, and your day is full of reminders of warmth, love, a happiness to add to the list.

2009-11-05T20:08:00.000-08:00

Driving home tonight, I’d been waiting in line at a stoplight when I looked up and saw them. They were halfway across the street, and I couldn’t take my eyes off their slow moving forms. Both were tall and graceful. She wore skinny jeans and a parka, he wore baggy jeans and a hoodie. He stood on the pedals of his bike, slightly behind her, hand on the brake, matching her pace. She walked with her back straight, her eyes forward; obviously aware of him – comfortable with him. They looked so young, so confident. They embodied contentment.

He pulled the bike up on the sidewalk, and stepped to the ground, putting a hand on her shoulder. Neither spoke. She climbed on the back of the bike, standing on the axle pegs, still graceful, now with her hands on his shoulders. Then they rolled forward, past my car, going back the direction from whence I’d come. The light turned green, and I smiled, resuming my own forward motion.

So strange what unexpected moments can catch your heart, and lift you up.

2009-11-03T17:15:00.000-08:00

Doing NaNoWriMo. Doubt I'll "Win," but I've got a lot in my head right now, and figured it's better therapy to write a novel than burn away brain cells dropping bejeweled gems, right?

1,600 words down, 48,400 to go. I'm almost there!

Yes, I will be drawing from my experiences. No, it will not be 'about' me, except that it will. A 'what if?' memoir projecting into my near future if I were somebody else. Yep. All about me.

Here ya go:

It felt like a scalpel, or at least that’s what Emily thought as Jamie began working on her shoulder. Not that she’d ever been under the knife, as they say, but the first sensation felt surgical – like something being removed.

Emily knew she’d made the right decision. She’d been right to wait, but would have been wrong to wait any longer. He’d been gone less than a week when she decided she’d get the tattoo, but she’d agonized over when to do it. Today, it had been a year to the day, and it was time.

The ink gun’s buzzing subsided, and her skin quit burning. It was a cut that healed even as the knife moved through her skin – an eerie sensation to be sure. Emily glanced over her shoulder in the mirror. A single, curved black line marked where the arching neck would soon be.

“Are you all right?” Jamie asked.
She smiled. “I will be,” she said. And she would.

2009-10-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, seriously - the guys just came by the fix the roof. I show the guy the leak - in the ceiling right next to the chimney. Big, wet spot. Leak. Right.

He goes up on the roof, comes back down, and says, "No - chimney look fine. I looked all around. Must be something else."

Something else?

What other than my roof is going to leak? Is it actually spewing up from the sewers and gravity is just on hold for the moment? Did somebody sneak in last night and put a hose through my window into the closet upstairs? Do I have an as yet undiscovered fourth bathroom in which the toilet has been clogged by gremlins with too much fiber in their diet, and now it runneth over? Seriously - WTF? Something else?

"No," I said. "I don't think it's something else. I think it's the roof. Before, it never leaked there. Then you put the roof on. Now it's leaking."

So yeah, get your ass back up on the roof and at least PRETEND to do something. Yes. That's right. Go to your truck and get some caulk. Ooze it out all over the joint there. Smear it around a little. Yes. Thank you.

So he comes back and says, "Yeah. I fix it. If it leak again call J*** *e** and they come fix it again."

Great. Thanks. I wouldn't have thought to do that. I'm so full of confidence now. Wonderful.

2009-10-23T09:07:00.000-07:00

So I got a call from the roofers around 8:30 this morning. They're sorry and somebody will be over "ASAP" to fix the problem. It's 11:00. Nobody's here. I'm not impressed.

2009-10-22T22:01:00.000-07:00

So yeah. My roof is leaking. Can I just say that it totally sucks when you go with the premium company and the work turns out to be more expensive, but still shoddy? I'm reserving judgment here, but I'm starting to lean towards not recommending my roofers to you. Because seriously - it's raining in my living room. And that's not cool 2 weeks after having a new roof installed.

2009-10-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

Even though it totally sucks to stand in my kitchen alone doing a victory dance, because Karl should be there dancing with me, I did one. I knew that I could share it with you here, and that made it a little better.

Why, you ask?

It's 5:00. All the food is ready, save for heating. The house is nearly clean, and Elliot is napping, but should be up soon.

I did good. Go me.

2009-10-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

I hate winter. And I'm not saying that lightly in a way where I would tell myself "Now, jes, Hate is a strong word - maybe you should reconsider...?" No. No reconsideration needed, self. It was a very deliberate, intentional, and accurate usage of the word.

I hate the cold. It's physically painful to me. I don't want to get out of bed. I hate that it gets dark so early. I hate that my bathtub is colder than my water heater can make up for unless I turn it up to scalding temperatures, which I can't with a toddler in the house, so I have only tepid baths. I hate that I can never find my slippers, and my feet get so cold I can't feel them. I hate that everything's brown and the trees look like they're dead. I hate the anxiety I feel around the holidays - the media pressure for us all to be so happy and lovey and together, when that should happen naturally without having to eat yourselves sick or exchange presents. Not that I'm not for eating and presents - those are great - it's just the forcedness that bothers me, the pressure we put on ourselves and each other.

And worse, I hate that I hate all this.

Karl loved the winter. He loved snow days, and the way the air even smelled cold. He loved sweaters and hats (when he could find one that fit his rather massive head). He loved bringing in his plants and making a jungle room out of out basement. He loved bracing against a chilly evening with a roaring fire in the firepit and a good stiff drink. He loved the black and yellow, nearly warn to threads hand knit house slippers his grandmother made. He loved Christmas - looking for trinkets and knick knacks for people at thrift shops, or dropping completely un-subtle hints about what he'd like to find under the tree.

This was his season, and I want so much to be able to connect with it, if only to feel more connected to him.

And I would, only, it's so damn cold I just can't motivate myself. So if you'll excuse me, I'll be under the down comforter for a while. I'll see you in March.

2009-10-13T21:21:00.001-07:00

I got really pissed off today at the fabric store.

So here's a letter to my fellow customers:

Dear Craft Shoppers,

A line is not an obstacle designed to impede your progress through life. It's more a courtesy we give each other - we acknowledge that we are all important, all have places to be, and all intend to buy the items we are holding rather than just walking out with them (which, by the way, I considered doing.)

Yes, the three women you saw there waiting for the next open lane - they were in line. It was almost polite, the way you asked, then formed line behind them. Then, when the two new checkers came along, and the other people in line were waiting, you went right ahead of the old lady who looked about to fall over dead and the woman holding the sleeping baby and trying to balance her purchases in the other hand - right ahead of them! - into the newly opened lanes.

You did have the decency to stare at your feet as you walked out of the store, passing by those poor souls stuck in the gutter of life, following the societal rules of courtesy and trying to get along, and waiting their god damn turns. You SHOULD look abashed, you smarmy bastards. My son is pretty freaking heavy, and it would have been nice not to have to hold him an extra 3 minutes because ALL 5 OF YOU are SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE REST OF US!

You're probably the same people who keep making the 55N exit ramp a disaster every time I try to cross the river.

You totally suck, and there's no forgiveness left in my heart for you. I hope Karma kicked you in the the ass and you were the ones in that 3 car pile up I passed on the highway.

Grrr.

Love,
jes

2009-10-10T08:03:00.001-07:00

I wasn't supposed to be a widow, you know. It's not that I had a plan, that I was set on being something else - a rock star, a doctor, an astronaut. No, there wasn't a plan, per se. I drifted through things, taking jobs that I fell into, doing this and that. Karl and I had that in common. We both tried on lots of possible futures, and if you asked us at any point what we planned, we'd waffle a bit and give you quite a few options.

I didn't have a strong vision of my life, but I did suppose sometimes - I supposed I would be a responsible adult. I might make a career out of this art thing, or perhaps go to trade school and become a carpenter. Or law school. Then again, I might just get a desk job, or management... something that paid the bills, but I didn't have to take home at night.

I never really knew what I'd be, professionally, but I always knew one day I'd be a mother. Elliot was a forgone conclusion my whole life, and the best thing I've ever done. The only thing that could match him would be a sibling.

Which I've actually been thinking a lot about.

In my more reckless moments, I consider getting pregnant. Not heading to a bar and picking up some guy with good looks and a quick wit and then... oops! That's really not my style. More like finding a friend willing to donate, or finding an anonymous donor through an agency. But really when I think back on my pregnancy with Elliot - the flat out exhaustion I felt so much of the time - I can't imagine taking care of him through that. And then there's caring for an infant, which means trading sleeping for non-stop feedings, changings, comforting, cuddling, and bonding. All the while trying to maintain the level of commitment I have to El - yeah. Not likely to happen as long as I'm single.

The more responsible thing (also more realistic) would be adoption. But that's a path full of it's own tangled messes. Domestic and international adoptions of infants and toddlers seem to heavily favor married couples. They also seem to be expensive, complicated, and often frustrating. Not that they aren't ultimately incredibly rewarding as well, but again, I have concerns about keeping Elliot's environment happy and healthy, and a stressed out mommy, well, that makes it rough.

We were out yesterday and came across the Missouri Heart Gallery organization, which works to find adoptive homes for kids. I spoke to the ladies at the table there for a bit, and I'm considering taking the 9 week course for foster parenting in Missouri.

*******

Time Lapse goes here - me running around like mad for a day, finally returning to the computer.

*******

So yeah, maybe another kid. Maybe not. But it's out there in the universe, and we'll see what it brings us.

2009-10-03T20:12:00.001-07:00

Lately there's been hard decisions to face, among then this: sleep or blog. I tell you now, in case you haven't noticed, sleep has been winning. It nearly bet out blogging again tonight, but I found a shred of motivation in all the things I've been meaning to write down but haven't.

I'll start with Girls' Weekend. We went to Carbondale, IL for a little get away the other weekend, and while it may not be a mecca of culture and excitement, I had a fantastic time. We had many adventures, not the least of which were questing for small arms ammunition and tiaras (in the same stop), navigating twisting hilly roads with a strict "no vomiting" rule in place, and (nearly) having a young man strip atop our dinner table. I think it's safe to say a good time was had by all, even if they don't remember it.

It was my first time out of town without Elliot since Karl died, and I had anticipated far more dread than I actually felt. I found myself relaxing and enjoying the great company, lovely scenery, and fascinating culture (did I mention the Meat Festival??) in Carbondale.

Next, we move up a little higher - to the roof in fact. I have a new one, which I hope my insurance will be reimbursing me for soon. They put the down payment on it, but until I get the final check I will remain skeptical that they are in fact covering the majority of the replacement. I'm just not typically that lucky. The new fascia and gutters go up early next week, and I'm very excited about the whole thing. Next project: Rain Barrel. Let me know if you know where to get one cheap.

Sometimes it occurs to me, on Saturdays mostly, that I don't get "out" a whole lot. We were busy today with the garage sale at my Mom's house, then I came home inspired to get rid of even more, and cleared out a full shelf unit from the garage. I fed Elliot, and we got a bath, and now he's asleep. Somewhere in there was the realization that, yeah, this is Saturday night, and I can't think of anything I'd rather be doing than just exactly what I did today - spend lots of time with my favorite boy.

Oh, and I made bunt cake. The spell checker doesn't want me to make bundt cake, so there you have it. My day in a nut shell, er, bundt pan.

:)

2009-09-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

they say the second year is harder than the first. i know they say a lot of things, but sometimes i think they may get it right.

the first year, everybody's there. they check up on you - they sympathize. they offer help. it's almost overwhelming the cocoon of support that surrounds you. but then life starts to go back to 'normal' (whatever that is).

wednesday would have been out third anniversary. it was a pretty quiet day here, and felt a lot like any other day. i had to work in the evening, so i tried to get a full day of fun in with Boo before i dropped him off with grandma. i avoided the places we really were that day - the botanical gardens, soulard, the bevo. not that there's many options for hanging at the latter two, but it seemed like maybe we should stick to new things.

we'd never gone to the 'ruins' at tower Grove, so i took him there. he chased ducks. he climbed on rocks. he ran in the grass, and played peek-a-boo in the drooping vines of the willow tree. all in all it was a lovely time.

i thought about my friends a lot, and honestly i was surprised nobody really called to check on me. at the end of the night, after work, i gave one of my third degree friends a ride home.

"self pitty moment." i announced, as we walked to the car. i told him what day it was, and how nobody checked up on me. he reminded me that it's not a day friends typically do remember or make a big deal out of (true.) and that i'm handling things really well, so people don't see me as needy (perhaps true as well) and so don't feel like the need to check in.

i just want to say this - while it may be true that i'm dealing with everything pretty well, part of the reason is you - my friends and family. your little encouragements - a note on FB, a text just to say hi, a phone call just to chat or catch up - really help keep me going.

i'm not trying to say i'm upset that you didn't call. i'm trying to say how much i appreciate it that you continue to support me.

i don't mean to wallow, and i hope it doesn't come off that way.

i mean to say Thank You. for getting me this far.

that is all.

2009-09-11T08:41:00.001-07:00

I remember my arms tingling - from my fingertips up past my elbows. I had pins and needles, like I'd cut off circulation for a while, and it had finally returned. I felt lightheaded too, and my mouth was dry.

"He might be gone."

That's what Brad had said before he went in the house. I thought, "Gone. Sure, maybe B.J. came by, picked him up, and they are on the east side... Sure." I was hundreds of miles away, in a hotel in Chicago. I couldn't hear Bastian barking and whining. I couldn't sense the quietness - the wrongness of the house that night. I didn't think about another kind of "Gone."

He couldn't get in the front door. For some reason, Karl had locked the doorknob, and we'd only given out keys for the deadbolt. I told him all the doors were keyed the same - he could go around back.

"I'm in," he said. "I'll call ya back."

Even now, writing about it, it makes me dizzy. Dizzy like falling, like not eating for a week. Like looking through your own eyes, but from the wrong part of your head.

I waited for that call. I don't know if it was two minutes or ten. I thought of reasons it might take a while. I prayed. Yeah, I know, me. Praying. Kind of funny, but I did.

And the phone didn't ring.

My hands were already shaking a little when I called Brad back. Something wasn't right. When he picked up, I can't remember if he called me 'hon' or 'sweetie' or another endearment, but I know he said "He's gone."

I blinked. The tingling was only in my fingertips - surely I wasn't understanding. "I need to talk to Karl. Put him on the phone."

"Honey, you can't. I'm sorry. He passed. He's gone."

No. That isn't what you are telling me. That isn't possible. We were up all night last night with the baby - he couldn't sleep, and neither did we. He left for work early, and I got on the train for Chicago.

He's out with B.J.

He's asleep downstairs.

He's playing a terrible trick.

What made me accept it - what made it sink in, and made my arms shake so hard I could barely dial the phone, was the line "You need to hang up the phone right now and call your Mother."

Oh my God. My husband died.

Yes, now it's a year later. This is the first time I've even tried to record what i felt that day, at that moment. And writing it, even now, I feel it again. The tightness in my throat.

The difference is now I cry. I don't think I really cried for weeks after he died. I had to take care of Elliot, and I tried to take care of everybody else too. Everywhere I looked, I saw the hole in my heart mirrored in my friends' and families' eyes. I tried desperately to fill it, even a little.

Of course I cried at the funeral, and countless times, here an there, a little, when I had to say it out loud, tell somebody what happened. But I didn't let myself accept it and grieve. I'm not sure I do now, either. How can I accept it? It's just too awful.

It took a long time for me to go back to the house. I stayed at my mom's for a week. The first time I walked into our home, where we would never be together again, I caressed the walls. I hugged the doorways. I laid on the floor and closed my eyes and tried to breathe normally.

I know it sounds strange, but I asked my house if it still wanted me. Karl had been the one in love with it. I had loved it because I loved him. It was a pretty house, a solid house, but not the one I dreamed of.

But when I came home it embraced me, and supported me, and reminded me every day of the happiness Karl and I had shared. It told me I could still build a beautiful life.

And I can. And I am. And I will.

2009-08-25T14:56:00.001-07:00

There's an old sci-fi story about a planet where it rains for years at a time, and there's only one day of sunshine once in a long while. A child from earth moves there, and tells stories about the sun, but he is teased by his classmates, who don't believe such a thing exists. Playing outside and not getting wet? Ridiculous.

So anyway, there's sun in the forecast one day, and the other kids,
believing it a hoax, lock the boy in a closet. When they see the sun, they are so shocked and amazed, they forget about him and run outside to play. It isn't till the first drops start to fall that they remember the little boy from earth, and have to go let him out of the closet...

I felt like I found that little boy Sunday, in the shape of a dolphin. He didn't get to come out for the party, because in the excitement of having people here, I forgot he was locked in the freezer, all alone.

I hope his presence on the internet is enough to make up for his missed joy at the soiree.

2009-08-25T09:06:00.001-07:00

Roof! Roof!

Met with the contractor and adjuster today. Sounds like they are giving me a new roof, gutters and downspouts, window wraps, fascia, and maybe a puppy too. Just kidding about the puppy. Of course, I'm a skeptic, so I'll believe it when it's in writing, but it sounds like they are taking care of me.

2009-08-23T10:01:00.000-07:00

Dearest Friends,

Thanks for a great day yesterday. Your presence made it easier to remember Karl the way we should. I hope I can always remember, even through grief, the beautiful things he gave us and the powerful things he taught us.

Among many gifts, he gave us each other, and showed us the importance of being together. Whether in person, online, on the phone, or just in thoughts and prayers, Karl always held his family and friends close. I know he's in your hearts now, just as you are all in mine.

(written listening to M. Ward, post-war. Particularly Requiem and Chinese Translation. Highly recommended for positive Karling)

With love and gratitude for all your support this past year,
Yours,
jes

2009-08-22T15:28:00.000-07:00

Jamie at TRX Tattoos on Grand did a beautiful job re-scaling and cleaning up Karl's tattoo. I'm very happy with the result.

We hit 4 estate sales, and everybody bought a little something, tho we didn't find much to trade, so the game may be off. Perhaps I'll just make you all take Karl's thrift store purchases instead!

If you're coming to dinner, or the house, see you soon!

2009-08-22T08:27:00.000-07:00

Schedule Update:

11am - 12pm TATTOO at TRX on GRAND

12pm - 2pm ESTATE SALES - CALL TO FIND US

2pm - 4pm Lunch, then Thrift Stores?

4pm - 6pm HOME

6pm - 7:30pm CHIMICHANGAS on GRAND (Dinner)

7:30pm - Whenever - Party at Circle K.

2009-08-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

Saturday at 11AM (the earliest available time) I will be getting Karl's sun tattoo on my shoulder. I've been looking at images on the web, and the particular sun image he had (the 16 point sun with alternating wavy and straight rays) seems prevalent on Tarot cards. I thought that might mean something, so I found a definition.

It turns out to be very appropriate:

Basic Tarot Story

The Fool wakes at dawn from his long, restless night to find that the wild river has, at last, come to an end, quietly floating him into a serene pool. There is a walled garden around this pond dominated by roses, lilies and splendid, nodding sunflowers. Stepping ashore, he watches the Sun rise overhead, bright and golden. The day is clear. A child's laughter attracts his attention and he sees a little boy ride a small white pony into the garden.

"Come!" says the little boy, leaping off the horse and running up to him. "Come see!" And the child proceeds to take the Fool's hand and enthusiastically point out all manner of things, the busy insects in the grass, the seeds and petals on the sunflowers, the way the light sparkles on the pond. He asks questions of the Fool, simple but profound ones, like "Why is the sky blue?" He sings songs, and plays games with the Fool.

At one point the Fool stops, blinking up at the Sun so large and golden overhead, and he finds himself smiling, wider and brighter than he has in a very long time. Since he started on this spiritual journey, he has been tested and tried, confused and scared, dismayed and amazed. But this is the first time that he has been simply and purely happy. His mind feels illuminated, his soul light and bright as a sunbeam. Like the great Sun itself, this child with his simple questions, games and songs, has helped the Fool see the world and himself anew, to wonder at and appreciate both. "Who are you?" the Fool asks the child at last. The child smiles at this and seems to shine. And then he grows brighter and brighter until he turns into pure sunlight. "I'm You," the boy's voice says throughout the garden, "The new you." And as the words fill the Fool with warmth and energy, he comes to realize that this garden, the sun above, the child, all exist within him. He has just met his own inner light.

Basic Tarot Meaning

The Sun is ruled by...the Sun, of course. This is the light that comes after the long dark night, Apollo to the Moon's Diana. A positive card, it promises the Querent their day in the sun. Glory, gain, triumph, pleasure, truth, success. As the moon symbolized inspiration from the unconscious, from dreams, this card symbolizes discoveries made fully conscious and wide awake. This is science and math, beautifully constructed music, carefully reasoned philosophy. It is a card of intellect, clarity of mind, and feelings of youthful energy. And, yes, the child/children in this card can be taken literally if other cards in the spread seem to suggest it. Your Querent can be informed that a wanted and most welcome babe will soon be on the way. Likely a boy, or twins.

2009-08-06T21:29:00.000-07:00

Thrift-Gift Exchange:

As part of the gathering on the 22nd, Sandy and I thought a little gift exchange would be fun. We plan to purchase second-hand gifts to trade at the party. I've taken the liberty of coming up with a few parameters:

Gifts must be under $15. They must fit in a standard grocery store paper bag, with room to tape the top shut. If you do not have a bag, one will be provided. They must be purchased at a thrift store, antique mall, estate sale, or *possibly* deep discount bulk store, tho second hand is preferred. They should be something you think Karl would have bought (if I had let him...) Purchases can be made at any time before the party.

These rules are, of course, flexible. If you buy, say, a Volkswagen, you could put a picture of it in the paper bag, along with the keys and a map to find it. Seriously, I don't think you find those too often on the junk circuit, but well, you never know. Think Karl. Break the rules if it makes for a good story.

Gifts should be deposited on The Bar by 7:45 pm. There will be a 15 minute shake, rattle, and examine period before numbers are drawn at 8:00. When your number is drawn you will choose a bag (not your own!) and give it to another guest. Yes, the blind giving to the blind!

Bribes and negotiations are acceptable. Trades are encouraged. Rules are subject to change at the whim or whimsy of the hostess.

All gifts must leave Circle K with a guest. Seriously. Put it in your own basement - mine's full!

Please RSVP in a comment if you want to play. Suggestions for amendments to the rules will be considered, so if you have a thought to make it more interesting, speak (er, type!) up.

Cheers.

ps - the photo is from August, 2008 - our last estate sale adventure together.

2009-08-05T19:38:00.000-07:00

Meaning to do this in an E-Vite, but don't have everybody's contact in there. So please know if you don't get an invite in your inbox, it's not on purpose. You're still welcome at any and all of the weekend's events.

August 22 is coming, kinda like a freight train. I don't know if you're all feeling it, but I know I am, and I know some of us have talked about a plan. I think everybody needs to do what's best for them, so I'm working out what that means for me.

And I think it means you.
(and a tattoo)

So, here's my plan.

Friday, August 21:

6pm-??? - Open house, movies. Anybody who wants to be along for the whole day on Saturday is welcome to crash upstairs. I don't think I want to go out, and I'm fine with or without company. Let me know if you want to come by.

Saturday, August 22:

7:30 am - (yeah, if you do crash here, sometimes there's a wake up call kinda early) Up with Elliot.

8:00 am - Waffles

8:30 am - 2 or 3 estate sales

10:30 am - Tattoo - location TBD

1:00 - let Fin out for a run

1:30 pm - meet up with Sandy (and others?) for lunch, hit Thrift Stores

4:00 pm - back to circle K for down time

6:00 pm - dinner at Chimichangas

7:30 pm - back to circle K for general togetherness - BYOB and/or snacks

8:00 pm - thrift store / estate sale (white elephant?) gift exchange
(Elliot to Mom's for overnight)

9:00 pm till whenever - poker & pool, stories & such.

This is tentative and subject to change, but let me know if you're interested in any or all events.

2009-08-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

i feel like i've been neglecting the blog, but i haven't had a lot to say that wasn't obvious. so i guess the obvious shall be stated, if only to fill space.

it's almost been a year. sometimes i think about last summer, and i remember things that feel like they were yesterday. sometimes i think every month has felt like a year, and i can hardly remember what it was like before.

i miss him. sometimes it's a physical pain in my stomach and sometimes i feel sick with it. sometimes it's just regular sad. i always used to question the phrase "not a day goes by that i don't think of (insert whatever here)" because i never thought of anything with that kind of consistency till now.

but yeah, not a day goes by...

2009-07-28T16:03:00.000-07:00

Barking, whining, chewing, pooping, peeing puppy for sale. cheap.

(just kidding)

2009-07-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

Right around the time Karl died, my old blog did too. I had written a very few things to or about him there, and I'd like to transfer them here, you know, for safe keeping. The posts are not dated correctly, but sometimes I reference when i'm writing... Here ya go, blogosphere. We revisit last summer:

He Bites his Nails...
jescope
Aug 9, '08, 11:57 AM
Ok, so from the news of the strange, my cat has started biting his nails. Constantly. Just like Karl.

Missing.
jescope
May 9, '08, 5:34 AM
A part of me is missing.

Today it's been two weeks. This is the longest we've been apart since we started dating in July '05. We knew by August we were in it for the rest of our lives. I just thought that would be so much more than three years.

Elliot is doing well. He's teething - keeps his mind off other things I guess. He's not walking yet, but he's on the verge. I have been showing him videos. He laughs at Daddy on the screen. We both do, but I cry too.

Often it seems like I have these great inspirations in the middle of the night or driving in the car - I come up with words for this - THIS - this feeling, this surreal reality that isn't and can't be the story of us together - a story with an end. I think of something beautiful to say, but then it floats away - it follows a whispy unseen vapor trail along the road, or through the trees, or up into the sky - follows a sparkling invisible thread to where Karl is. Sometimes I can catch a little piece of it before it goes, but the words want to be with him, and so I let them go.

Off with you now, words. Go see Karl.

2009-07-23T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm proud of myself today for being pretty productive. I've been a little of a funk lately, and haven't been able to motivate well. Getting outside this week helped a lot. We went to Purina Farms and the Botanical Gardens.

I cleaned a lot. Elliot's room is all tidy, and I put his rug back down. I'd taken it up when we started housebreaking, and thought we were progressing well enough to put it back out. It made it at least 3 hours before Fin peed on it, so maybe we aren't progressing as well as I thought.

I also cleaned up all the poop in the yard, cleaned the fish tanks, and cleaned up (some) in my room.

It's still strange sometimes - I just end up laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling and thinking about Karl's last moments, and wondering...

It happens every time I try to clean in there - maybe that's why I avoid it so much, and things pile so high on the bed. Laundry on the floor gets peed on, so it has to stay up, and I haven't brought myself to get rid of enough of Karl's clothes yet, because there's still not enough room in the dressers for mine. Blah.

Anyway, a productive day, and the house looks better than it did this morning. So good for me.

2009-07-19T06:13:00.000-07:00

Been a busy week. I spent most of the last several days in the studio putting work together for the Third Friday show at Third Degree. Happily, the show was very well received, and I sold two pieces at the opening. Hooray!

I have one piece in the show which is a line of ducks - a big duck and two ducklings. I was a little surprised at how free people felt to pick up the work from the pedestals. Because they couldn't seem to put them back in line where they found them, I spent a large part of the evening getting my ducks all in a row. Tee hee.

Dropped Sarah off at the airport yesterday, so the house is a little quiet. We walked up to Ted Drews last night for a concrete. Walking with a puppy, a toddler, and an custard shake, well, challenging.

At the moment, Elliot's in the kitchen sweeping, but he's not quite the housekeeper Sarah was.

Looking forward to a quieter week, hopefully seeing a few friends, but mostly hanging around the house. Woot.

2009-07-14T07:13:00.000-07:00

Last night I went with The Legal Team (or members thereof) to the Hamels Foundation "Batter Up" poker tournament. The event was meant to be a celebrity poker fundraiser, linked up with the All Star game here in St. Louis. Unfortunately I think they overestimated the draw of a tournament with no prizes, and the depth of the pockets (or willingness to reach into them, anyway) of the St. Louis upper crust.

I have to say I had a great time. I thought, going in, "I'm going to totally embarrass myself, going out in the first round." and I was right on one count. I did embarrass myself, but not going out. Instead I started out my night by spilling my drink across half the table as I reached for my first pot. Good thing it was my second drink, and I'm a lightweight. The buzz kept me from crawling under the table and hiding, or resigning outright to flee the mortification.

I redeemed myself slightly by taking a big pot on an ace-low straight several rounds later. I did not get a second second drink, so I was safe to scoop up my winnings with abandon. The very next round I got pocket aces, so I bet pretty strong. Half the table called me. When the flop showed the third ace, I went all in. Let me tell you, going all in when you have nothing is just kind of blah - a last ditch effort to save your skin. All in when you've got some chips to lose (or win!) - it's quite exciting.

Two others went all in to match me, but three of a kind, well, sure enough it beats two pair. Woot!

Our table broke after that, and I was reseated with players who had the cash to buy more chips. This is where it got a little less fun. As I watched a few of my competitors sign their credit card stubs, and have $2000 more in chips plunked down to play, I felt a little out of my league. But I managed to hang on through enough rounds to get to the Final Table.

Here's where it got kind of strange. There were supposed to be two "heats" of poker, and I'd wondered at the start how they would deal with determining a winner. I thought perhaps they would play down to a final 4 in each heat, then have a final table. Maybe the waiver we signed at the start - the one that said "I acknowledge that this game is only for fun, and that no prizes of any kind will be awarded, nor will there be any betting or gambling of any sort allowed." - should have clued me in, but I was still thinking this was a tournament. Playing for bragging rights would be fine by me!

But just as we were getting down to the final four, the MC announced that the second heat could take their seats. We all looked at each other a little perplexed. Our dealer continued to deal, and we continued to play for 10 minutes. Then the Woman In Charge In The Shiny Coat came over and said we were done. We had to clear out.

What?

Huh?

We didn't. The dealer said he'd never seen a tournament end like that, and he decided this wouldn't be the first. But Shiny Coat went ahead and seated several new players, all with heavy stacks of blue chips, at our table.

Don't get me wrong - I was going out, and soon. I had maybe 2500 left, and the chip leader had easily ten times that. But I wanted the chance to play out against my final table, not against a random group of newcomers. It's a different game playing against 4 people or against 7... but either way I was out a few rounds later.

My friends congratulated me heartily, and I heaved a sigh of relief knowing I might be remembered as the only woman at the leaders table rather than that floozy who spilled her drink. Here's hoping, anyway.

I could go on about how disappointed I was in St. Louis to fork up the cash for even the opening bids in the silent auction, or to advance bidding in the live one. But, having been involved in fund raising in this city before, it was really no surprise.

The biggest problem, I think, was that the 'celebrities' never materialized. Sure, Billy Bob Thornton may have bought a ticket, but if he was in town last night, he was at a different party. Pair old money St. Louis against itself, and it's not going to budge. These people all know each other, and whatever they have to prove, well, they aren't going to prove it with generous spending. Pair them against Hollywood, however, and I think you'd have seen a totally different show.

St. Louis, and maybe the midwest in general, has this inferiority complex that I think the organizers could have exploited had they worked a little harder to get more big names in the door. Celebrities "On the Guest List" may have got people to come out, but didn't get them to shell out $3000 for sports memorabilia. Now, give them the option to get in a bidding war against "Big Names" from either coast, and well, *then* they'd have something to prove.

2009-07-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

sometimes i do this thing where i look through my old photos or blog entries searching for something that happened this day last year, or at least around the same time. i ponder what we were doing, and remember the good times we had.

it's hard tho - especially with the photos. as i scroll closer and closer to August, my stomach starts to knot up, as if somehow if i stopped scrolling, time would pause, and we wouldn't get to the last photo - the last week, the last moments.

it's the photos from the summer that start the tension. first grant's farm, then national night out, then the zoo... by the time we get to our last (first!) "date night" and the photos by the river, it's really awful. then, there it is, the last picture i took - karl holding a cranky, squirming elliot.

then he's gone.

as we draw close to a year, i look back now at moments without karl - times that i cherish, but that were bittersweet - my vacation in florida, the one we never took together; elliot learning to walk; decorating for the holidays; visiting friends and family... life going on.

we went out tonight to 'let them eat art' in maplewood. it's a little art event in honor of bastille day. karl's and my first date, a strange and tangled day, included a stop at the soulard bastille day flea market, and ended in the bottleworks parking lot with our first kiss.

our niece sarah is visiting this week. we may head down to soulard in the morning for knicknacks and memories.

i need to remember to take my camera.

2009-07-10T00:11:00.001-07:00

I just can't seem to settle down tonight. I've been crying for about 2 hours. For a little while I just stayed in bed, curled up with a pillow, but I couldn't shake it. So I logged on to FB for a little mind numbing.

Not working.

So, instead, I headed over to Matt Logelin's blog to see how he and Maddie are faring. He had a link to another blog - this one a parent who lost his baby daughter recently. Both were exploring the idea of "One more moment" and how desperately they would love just a little more time.

I don't think I could do it - face the moment again when he'd be gone forever. Not for just a minute together - not for an hour. A week? Maybe. A year? Absolutely. But a moment? I really think it would make me crazy. I've been able to be strong looking in his eyes in photos and hearing his voice in videos, but to have to look in his eyes for real, and know he would be gone again? In a moment?

No. Thank you, but no.

And Elliot - how could Karl see him, and not have a million questions, and a million more requests? So much to tell him, and no time to do it? And would he know?? That's been something I cling to - that he never knew he was dying. I desperately hope he passed in a deep sleep, and wasn't tormented by what he was losing.

I could never bring him back just to let him go.

But when it hurts like this - when I can't stop crying... I try to hear his voice and feel his arms around me. It's so hard when the one you miss is the only one who could really comfort you.

Tonight the thin spots are just a little thinner then usual. Just hope I don't wake up with a hangover - dehydrated from making too many tears.

2009-07-01T19:17:00.000-07:00

"They viewed me as someone whose house had slugs - a suddenly Public flaw. I liked the slugs - occasionally I'd kill them for others or myself. Flushed down the toilet where their fate was a mystery - shrug. Survivable I suppose - or dissolved with pesticide - but mostly I liked the slugs.

I liked their trails over the carpeting in the garage -> Their Physics defying Presence on the walls - their slowness"

Reading Karl's undated journal - maybe 2003? Maybe before.

The 4th of July is unsettling in my neighborhood - I'm not sure, tonight, if I hear fireworks of gunshots.

Either way, I need to pack.

2009-06-27T14:23:00.001-07:00

Last night I attended (and photographed) my former boss' wedding. They had, by far, the shortest ceremony I've ever seen, and I thinkf the best food I've ever had at a wedding. Several of those in attendance had been at my wedding as well, and here and there I had a conversation about similarities/differences between our weddings. The best similarities were these: The bride and groom both radiated happiness and contentment with each other, and all the guests had a lovely time.

Naturally I get emotional - I did tear up a bit during one of the toasts. Since Karl died, I've been to 4 weddings, and I've cried at all of them. Just this morning I agreed to help shoot another wedding in September, and my brother's will be in October.

I think about how every marriage is different, as is every relationship, but I think they almost all start with joy, hope, and high expectation. That may be why they are so much fun to photograph - there's so much positive energy. Sure, here and there you get a bridzilla, or a mother on the edge, but usually they are lovely, each in their own way.

Lately there's been a lot of talk about me dating again. It seems one of those "third drink" topics for my friends and family. You know, like saying "I Love You" takes a little liquid courage sometimes? Well, if you're wondering, I have no intention of being alone forever, but I also don't plan to rush into anything. I accept that, somewhere, there's a guy who would fit in my life and I in his, but I have faith that we'll figure it out in due time.

Till then, I'm so glad people find each other, and love each other, and make promises, and trade rings. And I hope for Him and Anna, and all the other newlyweds out there, that the hope, joy, and positive energy stay with you and grow in the years to come.

2009-06-23T13:42:00.001-07:00

I spent the last 45 minutes on the floor. In a good way. Between baby attacks and puppy attacks, I'm completely blissed out. There's a lot of love down on their eye level! I hereby vow to sit on the floor more often.

2009-06-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

There's been a pooing. Right now, in my mind, it will always be "the great pooing of 2009" although realistically I know there will be worse. I got home at midnight (before you judge, know I had my parents booked to come spend time with him mid-day!) to find green gelatinous gooey poo flung (I know, he's not a monkey, but he managed to fling) everywhere. The inside of his cage was totally splattered, as well as the floor in front *and* the wall behind the cage. I'm more disgusted than impressed. I'll have to wait till tomorrow to find out it the pooing happened before or after the parent visit...

Yeah, I know. Ewww.

2009-06-19T10:25:00.001-07:00

Took Fin to the vet today. It's an adventure traveling with a toddler and a puppy, even less than a mile. He had to get the stitches out from his neuter, which went fine. There were a few other pups from Stray Rescue in with their foster family - none as amazing as Fin, tho. After a brief consultation with the Doc about his tendency to jump up unexpectedly and yelp (he checked for fleas and found none) we were on our way to petsmart. We made a tag for the pup, causing a meltdown in the toddler, who wanted to make another one. A little too expensive a thing to do for kicks... so we took our meltdown back home, fed it, and put it to bed, where it's now re-solidifying into my little boy.

Meanwhile, I have to call about dog number 2.

2009-06-18T20:45:00.001-07:00

I've been occasionally reading Matt Logelin's blog, and tonight it's had me thinking about the changes in my life since I lost Karl. I went through some pictures, and found two that gave a pretty good idea of before and after...

A lot of my pictures with Elliot looked like this - me shooting in a mirror, because Karl was either working or cooking or keeping up with the house or entertaining guests or generally living. I was in charge of documenting it. I like to pretend the current disaster at home is because of my new single-mom status, but really if you look behind us you can see it there - clutter and chaos already ruled the roost. There's maybe four photos on the 'Family Wall', a project we both kept meaning to get around to. We're a little blurred, maybe from the pace of life last summer, which was happy-go-lucky and full of fun. Then...

After two weeks of arrangements, sympathies, plans, confusion, shock, grief, and more outpouring of emotion than an introvert like myself knows how to process, we looked like this. Karl was gone. I took to wearing both of our rings for a while. I still wear his, which fits my middle finger. I started to worry that I'd lose the stone from mine - irrational, maybe, because we had designed it to be strong. For a few weeks there, I didn't document anything. One day to the next, I just did what needed doing, and felt like this wasn't a time I wanted to look back at too much. I'm grateful now that somebody did pick up the camera and catch Elliot and I napping. I know I passed him around a lot those first few weeks, but the only time I felt whole enough to sleep with any peace was when I held him.

It's strange - I remember thinking certain things would be burned in my mind, and some of them are. I stared at the carpet at the hotel for a long time, and I thought for sure I'd see it in my sleep, but all I remember now is a vague burgundy with some geometric pattern. I do remember the chicken taco salad, and the waiter who never brought me my change. I remember sitting in the bathtub in my room while Jen was downstairs with another friend of Karl's. I kept my shirt on - I don't know if I was feeling cold or modest, or if it was a need to feel prepared to flee, not to feel too vulnerable. I remember trying to comfort Jen, who had just lost her best friend of many years, and feeling like her pain was more than mine, because he'd only been my best friend for three. I still feel like that a lot with Karl's friends and family - that I'm not so worthy of their generosity and concern, because their loss was great too.

Then I think about the real difference: They lost a past, I lost a future.

Not the whole future, just the one we had planned. I'm making new plans now, but still with him in my mind. Part of me still tries to do things that make him happy, if only because they make me remember how happy we were.

I've made it nearly a year now. One of the many sites I've visited since becoming a widow suggested not making any major decisions for the first year. Part of me thinks that's wise, but another part of me went out and adopted a puppy. Not a major life decision? You go adopt a puppy, and see if your opinion changes. I'm so grateful to Jim G for saying "I think it's a PERFECT time for you to get a puppy!" I wonder if he knew that everybody else looked at me like maybe I was a little out of my mind...

Speaking of Finley, he's miserable in his crate at the moment. It's bizarre that one time I'll put him in for bed and he'll doze off happily, and the next he'll cry for an hour. It doesn't seem to correlate to how much he played or slept in the day - he just does what he does.

So he'll fit in here just fine.

2009-06-18T15:11:00.000-07:00

Long days and short nights lately. Puppy got me up at 5:30 - we woke the baby round 6:30. So far today we have had no accidents in the house (yay!) but on the other hand, we've gone outside every time the pup has squirmed. I am certain he isn't just trying to get me to take him out, because he's gone pee every time and rushed back to the house right away. It's HOT.

We went to Circus Flora last night - it was fantastic. This morning we had music class, and Elliot slept through 5 yelling, dancing, giggling toddlers for a full half hour. He woke up for the last two songs, one of which was the "settle down" lullaby.

We have accepted an invitation to our first baby party - a 1 year birthday for the twins in our music class. Should be fun!

Ajax and Finley have started wrestling a little. The cat is doing that laying in the middle of the floor like he's helpless thing while the dog mauls him. I worry that the puppy teeth are a little sharp, but I'd rather see them interact then freak out and make them scared of each other. So, well, game on, I guess. Wrestle Mania photos soon.

2009-06-14T20:02:00.000-07:00

Yeah. Puppies are hard work. No kidding.

Pictures Here.

2009-06-14T05:59:00.001-07:00

I've been having lots of dreams about Karl lately. It's strange, because I didn't at first. Maybe it's part of the "It gets worse before it gets better" thing. The dreams are different, but the motivation behind them is the same - my mind looking for a way to get him back. Last night, we had a strange condition where we slept for years on end, and we would never be able to see each other. Fortunately, we came up with a plan to be sure we awoke exactly 2 years later. We wouldn't be able to stay awake long, but at least we'd spend a little time together.

Earlier this week, there was another baby dream in which I was meeting with some kind of fertility expert, and he told me it was 'highly unlikely' Karl and I would have another child. In my mind I was doing he math; he'd been gone 10 months, a pregnancy takes about 9 months... and well, no. The numbers weren't working. But I was determined to make it work.

Needless to say, it didn't.

So sleeping has been a little rough again. But it's only 3.5 hours till Puppy! That's gonna make me too tired to dream, right?

2009-06-11T20:35:00.001-07:00

I've noticed a thing I do lately. I recalculate all things temporal around Karl's death. When I think back about things that happened recently, I think "He'd been gone for 3 months," or "That was only 6 weeks before he died." I imagine this is common, but haven't really looked for others doing the same thing. It's like my own personal BC/AD system, with August 22 in the middle... I knew I did this when thinking about Karl, but tonight I was looking at knitting projects in my online knitting group, and I was re-structuring the dates (in my head) that I started and finished pieces based on this new scale of time.

I've also been thinking about dating. Mostly I just brush off the thoughts, because it gets so complicated. Sometimes I think I'm "ready" to date - but it isn't like there's a timer in my gut that went DING. Several people have brought it up recently, and I say I'm open to the idea, but not particularly hopeful or willing to put a lot of effort into it. When I think about the next relationship, I inevitably end up fighting with this as yet nonexistent significant other about his jealousy issues, or his inability to really understand how important Elliot is to me, or his frustration about how little time I have for "us". And I'm having these arguments with somebody I haven't even met. So maybe I'm not so ready after all, and I should wait a little longer for the ticking to stop and the timer to chime in.

2009-06-10T09:38:00.001-07:00

Life was getting too easy, so I went out today and adopted a couple of dogs. Why not? They will be getting new names, as I'm not really the type to have dogs named Prada and Versace.

They are from Stray Rescue, and we really don't know their history. We do know that Prada was found with her pups in April, and they hadn't opened their eyes yet. She's been shot sometime in the past, and has a problem with her hip. Despite that, she's been a great mother, and her other puppies are all adopted.

Versace is the biggest of the lot of puppies. He's already 16 lbs, and next to the runt of the litter, who's only about 9, he looks like he could be the parent. He's likely to be a very big dog, and I may spend Elliot's college fund feeding him. But nobody will be coming into the yard when he's out.

So I'll get the pup on Sunday, but Mama needs to go in for a spay and possibly a hip surgery Monday. Could be a week to 6 weeks before she's ready to come home.

2009-06-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

You should really check out Mulanix Street Orchestra. They have a lovely indy acoustic sound, and they are staying in my guest suite. I particularly like Sonoma Wildfires.

2009-06-08T22:58:00.000-07:00

Waiting for Aunty Jen. I had word she left the ville a little after 10, so it shouldn't be long now. Hope I'm still awake!

Ooh - as I began to write, i got a text.... perhaps a little longer than i thought, as they are "past Columbia now".

Maybe a little nap, then.

2009-06-04T21:01:00.001-07:00

Went on for studio shots with the baby today. The kid who shot us was evidently a trainee, so it was a little more grueling that in the past, but the shots are adorable. I'm still very happy with the quality, price, and service at this studio. It's a chain, and fairly in the box, pre-packaged stuff, but honestly we're not in a position to hire a pro, and I shouldn't be the one trying to shoot these. Taking a hands-off approach.

Also went in to UMSL and finished up the lantern for the back yard. I still need to find or make a stand, but the lantern itself is lovely - if it makes it through the fire.

Photos at Brachiating Baby.

2009-06-02T21:28:00.000-07:00

must. sleep.

must find a way to stop bastard outside on street from blaring his horn. again. and again. and again.

shut off the damn car and go knock on the door. or use your phone. or throw rocks at the window. But really, it's 11:30. there's kids in this neighborhood. don't lay on the horn.

seriously.

2009-06-02T19:10:00.001-07:00

Tuesday feels like Saturday when you get to sleep till 10:30. Went out for bowling last night. Team 'No Consensus' kicked ass - well, maybe not kicked it so much as made a lot of noise (mostly swearing) in the direction of it, and then kind of meekly walked away. But we had fun. I averaged... no, actually, I'm not telling. It's too embarrassing. Mom kept L overnight, thus the sleeping in. Then I went to pick him up, and he was napping, but I'd missed him so much, I just snuggled up with him and took another 2 hour nap. Mmmmm. Yes. Just like a Saturday.

2009-06-01T21:48:00.000-07:00

So, here it is another day. Talked on the phone a lot today for some reason. I keep having these conversations with people, and it's almost like the world is normal, you know, "Hi, how's it going, good, good, oh, whatdidyoudothisweekend? oh, the usual... blah blah blah." And I'm not saying I'm false or insincere when I'm talking to you, it's just that in my head, I keep thinking the same thing over and over and over. I miss Karl. I say it in my head constantly, between every sentence of every other conversation, between each thought and the next...

"Yeah, didn't find much at the estate sales this weekend" (i miss karl) "Man, I'm a shitty bowler!" (i miss karl) "Seriously, Elliot, you need to put on some pants." (i miss karl) "Yeah, I'll be here till 2ish, then headed to the studio" (i miss karl) "Where's my phone? What did I do with my phone?? I just had it! What the ... oh... it's in my hand." (i miss karl)

i miss karl.

2009-05-24T16:57:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was (would have been) Karl's 36th birthday. We celebrated with a little get together with some of the core friends, lots of food, fun, and enough beer to totally overwhelm my recycling bins. Thanks a million to everybody for making a rough day so joyful.

A few photos are at Flickr.

Yes, that is a poker table in my dining room. Yes, I broke my dining room table the night before my party. Yes, the one with the falling apart chairs that's older than me. Yes, it's sitting out back waiting for large item trash day.

Yes. We had a great time.

2009-05-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

Seriously, it's hard to believe some of the things people say to strangers.

I was out this evening, and a complete stranger (drunk) came up to me with the following diatribe:

"There's nothing in the world sweeter than a *sleeping* boy." I nodded, tho I thought, in fact, that was not true, as my son is his sweetest when he's giving hugs and kisses, or flirting with strangers, or tipping his head to the side and walking with big steps around the house, or a hundred other sweet waking moments, but yes, he was sleeping sweetly, so I nodded and smiled... Which I guess she took as encouragement to go on.

"Oh, god, but when they are *Awake!* Believe me, I have 4. I KNOW. Don't worry, it gets better when they turn three. It's like something magic happens, and their brains finally can actually think. I mean, you have one, and it's hard, then you have another, and the only thing worse than a 2 year old is a 2 year old and an infant, and you'll be like, 'I really signed on for this???' Then you'll have another one."

At which point I kind of wanted to say, "Actually, that's unlikely, as my husband died. I would love nothing more than a few more children, but the chances seem small now..." But instead I smiled, and nodded. And she went on...

"He's what, year and a half?" (nod) "Oh, yeah, I know you're thinking 'how on earth do single thirteen year olds even survive this?' right?" (no, not really) "Don't worry - I promise - 3 years old. It will be better. Man, people would tell me 'Cherish this time, it's the best of your life' and I thought if this is the best, I want out!" Again I smiled, weakly, and nodded, slightly. And she went on.

But it was more of the same. Eventually she went away. I said little to her, as she was speaking a totally foreign language, and I couldn't even pretend I understood.

Now, in response, I say to the blog readers out there, "If you hate kids, maybe you shouldn't have 4. Pills. Condoms. Abstinence. Whatever, but not 4 kids. Those poor things. Also, just because you hated your kids doesn't mean I hate mine, or that I want to hear you talk down about this time in my life. I adore my son every second. He amazes me, delights me, inspires me, and comforts me. I'm so so sorry you can't find the same light in your own children, but maybe it wasn't in your genes to pass on, because you are a bitter, angry, selfish hag."

No, not you, reader. Unless it was you who approached me the other day.

I guess a mother's love isn't always what it's meant to be.

2009-05-14T22:31:00.000-07:00

Can't seem to get myself to bed before midnight, no matter how I try. I even got in my pajamas at 9:00ish, trying to get in the sleeping zone, but to no avail. I'm still up. I'm still not feeling particularly like going to bed. I'm still sure Elliot will want to get up before 6.

Sigh.

2009-05-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

Been busy in the garden. Weeding and mulching:

Planting and hanging:

Picking and eating :)

2009-05-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

Goodbye, old friend.

Today we said goodbye to Karl's beloved Sebastian. He lived the last 9 months of his life with my parents, being spoiled rotten by my mom, who simply can't resist a puppy. His health had been declining, and we all decided that it was time to let him go and be with Karl. I know they will both be happy to be together again.

2009-05-10T19:59:00.000-07:00

This was Mother's Day brunch last year. I have few memories of the day, but I do remember making Karl take pictures of me with Elliot, and I remember the apple topping being fantastic.

This year, I made waffles for my mom. Elliot loved them, and the berries Mom and D brought to top them. Didn't take photos, and I'm not up for a thousand words tonight, but happy Mother's day to all.

2009-05-05T20:55:00.000-07:00

I find I'm taking fewer pictures these days. I started the 365 photo project, and made it about 2 months before the winder blahs got me down. I am too far behind now, but i'm thinking about starting again on an upcoming special day (yet to be determined.)

The photos I have taken, i'm slow to upload. I like to think this is because i'm doing more living, and a little less documenting. I'm in the garden a lot. I have strawberries as big as my thumb now, just waiting to ripen. The irises are blooming, and other flowers are budding in the yard. I've pulled 3 wheelbarrow's worth of weeds in the last week.

I'm also making artwork. Not great work, but it's the starting that's hard for me, and I'm excited to be making something. I'll have a show in July, and it will be just ducky.

So here I am.

Hi.

2009-05-04T11:32:00.000-07:00

I think experiencing grief is a little like learning a foreign language through emersion. I spent some time in Japan after college. I’d taken a few Japanese classes, but really had no experience with the language – with actually speaking it.

When I touched down, I recognized certain phrases, and could utter a few studied sentences, but my brain didn’t really process it all. After several weeks, however, I began to learn the conversation that I would have over and over again – the “Curious about the foreign girl” chat that was always the same 5 or 6 questions, and I always answered them the same way. They always ended with “Oh, your Japanese is so good!” and I thanked them, and dissembled – their English was far better, and I’d studied before I came over, and everybody was so kind and patient and helpful, it made it easier to learn…

Truth is, I think my Japanese was pretty horrible. If we went out to eat, I had no idea what people at the next table were saying. I couldn’t express anything more complicated than “I’m hungry” or “That’s pretty!” I had my practiced dialog, and people predictably asked about the same, safe topics, so I got by.

Sometimes I feel a twinge in my brain when I talk to people about missing Karl. They are going to ask a few questions, and at first I had no idea how to answer. Now, I’ve had some time to learn my own feelings a little, and I can say, “I’m so glad I have Elliot – he reminds me to smile, and laugh” or, “We’re taking it a day at a time. I have great support, and I’m so lucky not to have to worry about the bills.”

It’s another practiced dialog. It isn’t insincere, or pretentious, but I don’t know that it’s ever a real conversation that goes any deeper that “That’s pretty” did. I feel things that I have no vocabulary to express. I don’t cry in front of people, because I wouldn’t know what to *say* when (if?) I ever stopped crying. I don’t say it hurts, because I can’t explain *how* it hurts, *where* it hurts.

Then again, maybe it’s enough just to feel it, and I don’t need to explain it. Or maybe it’s time to find a group of native speakers (others on the same foreign soil of widowhood, at least) to help me practice this language of grief.

But really, I’m doing fine, a day at a time, or a night at a time. I’m still here; I’m holding it together (even if I’m not sure what, exactly, “it” is.)

2009-04-25T12:51:00.000-07:00

A week before Karl died, we decided we weren't spending enough time together, just us, so we planned on making at least every other Thursday a 'date night'. I think about that first (and regrettably last) date night a lot. Part of our evening we spent at a little park about a mile from the house. There is a path that overlooks the river, and a railroad track runs behind a few benches set in a little grassy area.

When we arrived at this spot, a family was there with a little boy. He was about 4 years old, and climbing on the fence to see where the rocks he was throwing were landing. He wasn't strong enough to get them in the river, so he asked Karl to throw one. The boy’s parent’s didn’t seem to mind, so we threw a few rocks in, and Nathanial (who introduced himself as we tossed stones) seemed delighted that Karl was so strong he could get them to the water.

Soon we ran out of stones, so Nathanial grabbed Karl’s hand and started dragging him off to the railroad tracks to fetch more. With a glance at his parents, who again seemed not to be disturbed, Karl followed along, helping the boy pick rocks that would fly well.

We spent about 10 minutes there, playing with Nathanial, chatting a bit with his parents, who we decided had to be the grandparents, raising the child as their own. While he called them “Mom” and “Dad,” they were easily in their 50s, and it seemed unlikely that they were his birth parents. Nathanial was a sweet, well behaved, outgoing kid – whatever the circumstances, I think they were doing a fine job.

As we left the park, we saw the family walking to their car. Be beeped the horn and waved, and Nathanial waved back, calling a cheerful “Goodbye! Nice to meet you!”

Karl smiled benignly. “That’s what Elliot will be like in a few years.” Our boy wasn’t walking yet, and talking still seems a ways off, even now. Karl had nieces and nephews, but none who he saw often, so this was a rare glimpse into this particular age – an age of openness, questions, and wonder. I could see how much Karl looked forward to that time with his son.

While nothing really takes away the pain of missing him, and having him miss Elliot growing up, I’m so very grateful for this evening walk we had with Nathanial. In a small way it gave Karl a surrogate moment with his son; one that he wouldn’t have otherwise had he not taken the outreaching hand of a child.

2009-04-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

I'm patting myself on the back today. I mowed the lawn, mopped the kitchen, did 2 loads of laundry, pulled 2 buckets of weeds, took out trash, *and* got the high score on Bejeweled. Plus went out to lunch with a friend, and taught a class. Good day.

2009-04-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

I've been asked to present a scholarship in Karl's name in a few weeks. I'm starting to come up with ideas of what to say. If anybody has a high-school senior audience appropriate anecdote about Karl's commitment to academics (I have quite a few myself, but I'm not sure about the 'audience appropriate" bit) please do share.

2009-04-14T07:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a big day for Elliot - he mastered slurping spaghetti. Yes, one of the major firsts! Who needs talking when you can eat in such a classy way?

2009-04-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

I went to Target today. I spent $28. This is a sign - I don't know what it means, but surely it's a sign if I got out under $100.

I've been feeling disconnected lately. I feel a little like I'm observing my life more than I'm living it. I watch myself do things, and analyze my thoughts and actions, but I'm not often "in the moment."

Bought a new light for the small fish tank. I think the fish are scared - they've been in the dark for at least 2 months, and I don't know that they like being able to see again. I'll have to keep it on for short periods for a while, till it's not so scary.

E has turned into a 7am baby. I think that may be part of my problem of late - I have decidedly *not* turned into a 7am mommy. I'm still more like 11:30....

2009-03-24T13:45:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about the Taj Mahal. It has a certain resonance at the moment, as I try to sort through my own sense of loss. I love the idea of building something beautiful and inspiring to house the memories of one beloved and lost. I guess in my tiny little way it was what I was attempting by making Karl's urn, although it hasn't nearly the same grandure. I think Karl really loved the idea of being known, and would certainly want to be remembered. I know he is something of a legend to his friends and family in Kirksville, and I imagine wherever it ends up, the bus will be a sort of memorial as well. Sometimes I ponder writing a short story as a memorial - I've tossed about ideas in my head. I think he'd like that. I could self-publish a little edition. I have so many mementos, but nothing monumental, and I just feel like he deserves more. I'll just keep pondering, and maybe take a pilgramage (actual perhaps, but more likely virtual) to India soon for inspiration.... Rest in Peace, Arjumand Banu Begum.

2009-03-23T07:53:00.000-07:00

new elliot photos going up on flicker as i type - get em while they're hot!

2009-03-21T20:31:00.000-07:00

Things are going well here at circle k. Bedtime has become far less of a struggle, and both E and I are sleeping better. I've spent 3 mornings in the last week cleaning and clearing out in the yard. E is enjoying the outdoors, tho we are having some disagreements on his wearing a hat. I'm for it, he's against. I'm sure I can outlast him, and he will wear it, but it can be trying. It would be wrong to duct tape it to his head, right?

I made cookies and banana bread last week. Baking is nice. I'm on spring break form UMSL this week, and looking forward to a little time to cook a meal that has no frozen parts. Of course, I'll need a recipe :)

I need to put batteries and a tape in one of Karl's many voice recorders and keep it in the car. I keep thinking of things I'd like to post, but by the time I get the baby to sleep, I'm fried, and can't remember any of it.

On the slacking and disapointed in myself front, I've totally fallen off the 365 wagon. I got in a funk a few weeks back, and didn't pick up the camera for 5 days. I haven't recovered from the disappointment, and haven't re-motivated. Taken a few things here and there, but nothing in a one-a-day state of mind. I am thinking I may restart in April.

The house continues to get messier. If anybody needs any tikihookabareware madness sent their way, please let me know. I have so much that I can't bear to give to goodwill yet, but would love to see in a happy home. Just not in mine...

Thinking of a trip to the ville this weekend. Trying to find a traveling partner, but no luck yet. I can make it solo, but it's nice to have another adult just in case.

That's the news that isn't. Life's going on.

2009-03-17T08:20:00.001-07:00

Don't you just love spring? I do.

2009-03-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

So I'm thinking about wearing a totally inappropriate button from now on.

It was a rough day today. Well, a rough week overall I suppose. E had his first real sick days - he ran a fever for the better part of 3 days, complete with screaming fits and little sleep for either of us.

Adding to the fun was a student who threw a temper tantrum in my class, was rude to me and to my other students, then argued with me about his behavior when I called him on it. This is college, kids, we don't throw things and yell when we are frustrated. We try to behave as if we are adults.

Anyway, I had a class this morning with a group of adults with learning disabilities. I had expressed concern about this being a safe and reasonable activity (flameworking) when I was asked to teach, and our manager assured me that they would be fine. Well, not really. Half of the students couldn't write their names clearly, primarily due to seeming muscle control problems, which is fine except that you really should have a certain degree of dexterity and fine motor control when working with extreme temperatures. Yeah. Stressful.

But none of that has anything to do with the button. At the end of the day today, I had to tell a stranger about my husband. I hate it. I hate saying it, I hate talking about it, I hate every stupid thing I have to say to make me and them feel like it's ok - like I'm ok. . . and what sucks is I can't talk about Karl in the present tense without feeling dishonest (My husband is a great cook) but can't speak in the past tense (*was* a great cook) without the unavoidable question mark from whomever I'm talking to. (Was?)

It's an ugly trap. Pretend he never existed, and swallow any references to him that come to mind - painfun. Pretend he's still here so I can talk about him but not talk about him being gone - painful. Tell the truth, and relive it, and try not to cry, not to make others feel awkward - painful. How to win?

Well, perhaps just force the issue. Start any and all conversations with people I meet with a gesture to the button. Maybe if I say it enough, it won't hurt.

So anyway, it says (in cheery bright colors, WalMart style) "I'm a WIDOW! Ask me how!"

2009-03-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

Aug 22, 2008 ... Unfortunately, Jes, no one has a crystal ball.

Angie posted a meme on facebook. You key in "Unfortunately, (your name)" and do a search. This was in my first page of hits. The post is actually about real-estate questions, I think, but the date was ironic.

2009-03-04T21:55:00.001-08:00

I went to the bead store today and bought some tools and findings to make some jewelry out of my ever-growing collection of beads. I'm not so sure I got the right stuff for what I'm doing, but I'm sure having fun!

2009-03-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty sure I just bribed Elliot for the first time. He didn't want to go up the basement stairs, and I had my hands full of laundry. I've been giving him an M&M now and then, and calling them 'special treats'. Well, he was paused in the landing playing with a bag, and I couldn't leave him there by the stairs, and couldn't pick him up because of the laundry, so I said "If you don't go upstairs, you won't get a special treat." He was up in 2 seconds, running for the candy jar... I'd meant it as more of a threat, but I think he took it a little different.

conclusion: bribery is effective

2009-03-04T07:01:00.000-08:00

Woot woot! I woke up all motivated this morning - cleaned the kitchen, collected laundry, fed the baby - and it's only 9am! Hooray for accomplishment days!

2009-02-26T21:26:00.000-08:00

So it's my half-birthday today I guess. I only realized that because I was thinking about the 6monthiversary of Karl's death this week, and it occurred to me that my birthday followed very shortly after. In the list of things that sort of bother me, there's a wish to know what he would have done to celebrate with me. I'm sure things were starting to take shape in his mind - who he'd invite, what he'd cook - but ever the procrastinator, he still had 3 days, so to the best of my knowledge he hadn't made a firm plan or purchased a gift. That would wait till about 3 hours before the deadline...

I'm sure he was torn between getting me a little villa in the south of France, or maybe an original Van Gogh, or perhaps a toaster. Or socks. I made a conscious and deliberate decision to spend my birthday in denial. I hadn't even been able to see him yet, so I made everybody pretend he was still with us, only couldn't be *with* us for the birthday party due to some lame excuse. Maybe he had papers to grade. Yeah, I know, that would NEVER keep him from a party, but like I said, I was in denial.

I was (and am) so grateful to my friends and family for being in denial with me - for helping me keep my birthday happy, and doing their best not to let me cry that day. 6 months later, I still don't know how I'll feel next time it rolls around, heck, I don't know what I'll feel 6 minutes from now, but I know I'm deeply grateful for the support I have. If I seem strong, it is simply a reflection of the strength and love around me. Many thanks and much love to all.

2009-02-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

For a few weeks after Karl died, I had frequent little panic attacks. I would think about him and my heart would just race. It wasn't incapacitating, but sometimes it did scare me. I'd feel like my heart was going to explode - the physical sensation was like somebody hitting you on the back when you're coughing, only from the inside of my chest. It felt like that; like my own heart trying to thump it's way out of my chest.

I mention it now because I had a very short episode tonight. It's been months now, almost six, in fact. At first it made sense. I literally didn't know how I was going to live without him. It's hard to explain how I felt about him. I often said we were two sides of the same coin. We complimented each other, and completed each other - the warp and weft of the fabric that was us. When he died, I felt frayed, severed, halved...

In the months since, I have lived without him. Life is different. I smile a little less. I laugh a lot less. My life is beautiful, and meaningful, but I'm still numb in corners of my soul that I didn't know had feeling till I lost it. You don't think too much about the inside of your cheek till the Novocaine takes effect, and you can't stop chewing it because it's swollen to the size of a small planet.

Karl left behind a lot of parts of himself in me. I was rocking Elliot the other night, and he was fussy, and out of nowhere I called him Zanzibar. I think I even said it in the silly, Grover-esque voice Karl would use with the baby. I startled myself, because it didn't feel like I said it so much as I heard him say it. "Oh, Zanzibar, why the fussin'?" Sometimes I hear him in my head, sometimes I don't hear it till I've said something out loud, and it's not my reaction, but his coming out through me.

The last two weeks, for some reason, have been rough. I think about him a lot more. I miss him a lot more. Maybe the numb parts I can't seem to quit picking at are the parts of me that he took with him when he went. Maybe it's not so much that he was the warp, and I the weft, as we were each both, and I have to learn to function as the thinner fabric left behind when half the threads disolved. It's just hard when it's chilly - the wind gets through more easily when the weave is loose.

sniffle sniffle, ah-choo.

g'night.

2009-02-06T15:22:00.000-08:00

Caught up on some stuff this week. The house is a little less of a disaster than usual. I have most of the laundry and dishes done, trash and recycling out, and I've even had a shower today! I'd say overall that means I'm doing well. I got up-to-date on my 365 photos today. So far I've missed 2 or 3 days, but that's not bad after over a month. I'm having trouble coming up with creative subjects, or with time to shoot the things I do think of. I hope when the weather improves I'll be more motivated to get out and shoot something. Woot woot.

2009-01-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

Seriously, honey, you gotta stop possessing the cat. It was one thing when you made him bite his nails and snore - that was charming, if alarming, but kinda cute. Let's stop the game at the heart disease tho, ok? I miss you, and am happy to have you use Ajax as a medium, but I can't handle sudden heart problems in anybody else....

For those of you who are not Karl, today I had to take Ajax to the vet. Around noon he had an 'episode' of sorts. He started yowling loudly, panting, and drooling. Then he pooped in my bedroom. It was all scary and strange. I took him to the vet, who said it *could* be heart disease. If he passed a clot, it might explain the freaking out behavior. Seriously not the stress I needed today.

2009-01-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

Kitty's snoring again. Granted it's a lot quieter than my husband did - maybe about the volume he could achieve when muffled by 2 heavy pillows. And perhaps a small pony.

I miss Karl.

2009-01-23T21:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Facebook,

I am a recently widowed woman who struggles with the options you give me for my "relationship status."

Now, I understand that you can't put every possibility out there, I mean, there's deeply in love, separated pending divorce, friends with privileges, just fooling around. I see this as the reason for your "It's complicated" option. I think that's a great option for a lot of people in unclear relationships.

I'm not one of those people.

My status is exceptionally, painfully clear. My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly, leaving me a widow. I am, technically, single, but that's really not a word I'd currently use if somebody asked me. I feel that if you can acknowledge "In an Open Relationship" as a category, surely you can add a few more lines of code to include one more option.

Sure, yeah, it might be a slippery slope. If you recognize widowed as valid, soon you'll have to add "There was that thing in Vegas, but I don't think it stuck" and "Stalking a very attractive coworker" and then what? 6 pages of options, because really, relationships come in quite a variety...

While I am able to make light of this, because it's just a line on a profile that only people I know see, I do feel real frustration, resentment, and offense at this exclusion. Widowhood sucks enough without being forced to hide it.

Do the right thing. Validate our loss with a simple, understanding gesture - let us choose to expose our hurt, in hopes that it helps us heal.

Sincerely,
Jes Kopitske

2009-01-19T18:45:00.001-08:00

Oh, how wish you were all here to see this... Elliot has figured out how to spin around in a circle, so, he's spinning in small circles till he falls down. Cutest. Thing. Ever.

2009-01-12T21:17:00.000-08:00

4 weddings and a funeral....

Been thinking about the past year, and realized we attended John's, Vicky's, Justin's, and Bethany's weddings, and Karl's funeral. I thought maybe I couldn't be right, and that some had to have happened more than a year ago, but then I realized Elliot was with me at all of them.

Maybe I should write a movie.

2009-01-03T19:57:00.000-08:00

I started a post the other day - it was all about bad dreams and anxiety. Or anxiety dreams and bad sleep. In short, me with terminal cancer leaving E an orphan and nobody wanting him, my house burning down with all my memories inside - and my neighbors' houses as well, and all of it my fault.... Bad dreams.

Then, I thought maybe I'd skip that post. Too downtrodden for the holidays.

Instead, I'll tell you about my first 3 photos for 365. First was the very first height marker on Elliot's door frame. Jan. 1, 2009 - A new year, a new way to measure his growth. Second is a broken bowl - A little photo about loss, and things we keep to remind us of our families. I dropped a stack of bowls, and this one had been my grandmother's. I photographed it on the dining room chair that was my mother's, which I will probably get rid of as soon as I find a new set. My mother remembered licking batter out of the bowl - I remember building forts with the chair. Both are broken now, but I wanted to give them a nod of respect as objects which help us hold our memories. Third is fish - I bought 2 new fish (not pictured). This was something of a 'step' for me, i think, in healing. The aquariums were Karl's thing - I'd had fish in the past, but always felt incompetent and like a fish-killer. The last 2 months I've made an effort to keep the tanks clean and healthy, and they seem to be thriving. Adding fish was a way for me to hold on to Karl a little.

More photos to come. See them at Flickr.

2008-12-23T22:22:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas?

Hi there readers.

As predicted, this is hard. The last several days I've been pretty emotional - I find myself tearing up a lot. Usually I can talk about Karl without feeling it too intensely, but with Christmas almost here, it's really difficult. Every morning I wake up to the (usually) smiling face of my beautiful son. I'm flooded with love and amazement, and then, without fail, also flooded with grief. It's amazing that there's room enough for both to coexist in one person... I don't know if it's the holidays, or the passage of time, or all the milestones Elliot is passing without his father, or just old fashioned loneliness... but something has been making the pit in my stomach deeper - the hole in my heart larger. I don't think I'm depressed, although there are some concerning signs. Mostly that I haven't taken out the trash in over a week, and I'm reluctant to get out of bed. But I am as apt to blame the cold weather as the sadness - I usually want to spend the winter tucked in covers, and put off going outside as much as possible. Still, the sadness is a little more intense, and some days I worry that it will never ebb - I'll just get used to it.

But still I am so full of joy every day as Boo learns new things. He's a true blessing; I've never known a more loving, well behaved, engaging baby. Am I perhaps biased? Yes. Sure. Absolutely. But I'm also telling the truth - I love that baby more than anything, and I'm grateful to him every day for loving me back.

I expect I will soon be as overwhelmed with his belongings as I am with his father's - Santa, if you're reading this, be kind! Toys that are smaller than a breadbox would be fantastic. And please don't be upset if some of them take a little time in the closet - we'll need some 'new' toys as the year goes on, so I may be setting a few things aside till I can make a little more room for playing.

How lucky am I that my Big Holiday Fear is getting too much stuff? I do count my blessings every day, and if you are reading this, I probably count you.

Yes. No question. Sadness and all - still - Merry Christmas.

2008-12-12T01:21:00.000-08:00

it's almost 3:30 am. i'm awake. i'm filling up online shopping carts and then dumping them out. then going somewhere else and filling other carts and abandoning them too. i have a problem.

2008-12-10T07:21:00.000-08:00

My friend Mindy, a former co-worker from CCC and 3rd Degree, lost her brother Saturday. Two other 3rd Degree folks, Elliot, and I spent most of yesterday driving to the small Illinois town where she grew up and doing our best to be supportive. I felt like I should be able to say more - to come up with something comforting, but all I have are the same lines.

Mindy's brother, Matt, was 23. He was killed in his car by a reckless driver. I think about how we lost Karl (what a strange way to talk about death - "lost" - like I lost my keys or the battery cover to Elliot's toy or my homework.. there's loss and there's Loss, I guess) and how shocking it was. How nobody believed it. How I still don't believe it. Looking around at the faces, I saw the same disbelief yesterday, and the same love. My heart goes out to Matt's family and friends, and I hope that time does help us all heal.

2008-12-05T08:39:00.000-08:00

Michelle De Seattle totally rocks.
She sent me S'mores.
And baby clothes.
And candy.

Now I just need fire.
For the S'mores.
Not for the baby clothes.
Or the candy.

Huzzah!

2008-12-02T21:55:00.001-08:00

So the past few nights I've been trying to get Elliot to go to bed in his crib. Not just sleep there, but fall asleep there. The first night went well, but he took forever to lay down. The second night I thought I might have to shoot myself. Third night, not as bad as the second, but still refusing to put his head down. I guess he hoped if he stayed awake long enough I'd relent and pick him up?

Tonight he fell asleep standing up. Seriously, standing up, leaning on the side of his crib, totally and completely asleep.

Definitely Karl's son.

2008-12-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

365

I'm going to do it this year. Really.

2008-11-28T21:29:00.000-08:00

Something in the last hour has got me all weepy. He's not here, and I want so much to tell him about what's going on. Since we started dating I don't think a single day went by that we didn't talk. We were on the phone constantly. It's just such a huge hole in my life - I teeter around the edges of it trying not to fall in, but balance is tricky. It isn't that I don't know what to do without him, it's just that it's never as much fun when I can't tell him about it.

2008-11-26T19:51:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving.

I love this holiday. All that 'bah humbug' I was blogging about before - that all comes AFTER Thanksgiving. What better reason for a holiday than to eat? Ok, ok, to eat AND think about all the blessings in your life.

Let's count some, shall we?

1: Elliot
2: The Best (and maybe strangest) Family. Period. And it just keeps growing.
3: Friends who amaze me with their love and support
4: Third Degree
5: Neighbors who believe in community. My block rocks.
6: Obama
7: Freedom of speech
8: Yarn. Lots and lots of yarn.
9: Knit Night
10: The RSS Loophole, which is letting me keep my house.
11: My camcorder and my Mac helping me hold on to Karl a little better
12: Did I mention my friends and family? Who could fall apart with this much support?
13: The Internet
14: FulcrumMonkey - Karl's own words out there for everybody, especially Elliot
15: Chocolate
16: Photography
17: Airplanes and the ease of travel they afford. Seriously, how much richer is my life for trips to Australia, Japan, and all over the US? Love airplanes.
18: Peace. I'm grateful that I live in a safe, stable democracy that can change without a bloody civil war.
19: My house full of beautiful memories
20: Everybody who is helping with Elliot's college fund. Thank you so very much.
21: Karl. Duh. This list is not necessarily in any hierarchical order, see?
22: Fireplaces, fuzzy slippers, down comforters - all things that make winter warmer.
23: Ajax. Most days.
24: Karl's amazing students, who raised $2K for Elliot's fund.
25: Patience
26: Hope
27: This beautiful life and the time I have to live it.

Happy Thanksgiving

2008-11-25T14:43:00.000-08:00

Jingle some bells, dammit, I need cheer!

Today it's 1 month till Christmas. For quite a few years now I've suffered depression around the holidays. I don't know exactly when I became a humbug, but I nearly ruined our first (married) Christmas together when I failed to pick up on Karl's hints and enthusiasm about the season. Our second year (last year!) I did much better. Whether because of my guilt over the previous year's disasters or my excitement about the coming years events, I was very nearly jolly. Well, maybe not jolly, but I felt much better than I had for many a Christmas-past.

This year I'm a little worried. With the glorious fall (I credit Karl for the weather - wherever he is I think he's pulling strings) so rare for us, and all the madness and everyday mayhem of single-parenting a toddler, it's kind of crept up on me. Maybe that's good?

All I know is I hope I'm able to present Christmas to Elliot in a way Karl would love. I don't want to be sad - I don't want him to pick up on it. I want to be merry to make sure it's a beautiful, exciting, magic time for him, just like it was for his dad.

So spread what cheer you can and make the season bright - I'll be looking for the merry and trying my best to take it in.

2008-11-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

stupid. cold. winter.

yeah, yeah, I know, it's not REALLY winter yet, but it is cold. And I'm less than thrilled about that. Planning to get away to Florida in January. Karl and I had planned to go for the holidays - we'd been trying for a year to make our schedules work. Well, I'm cold, and I'm going. So there.

2008-11-17T21:28:00.000-08:00

It's strange how Karl being gone is so real and so unreal at the same time.

I mean, obviously he's really gone. Everything in my life reminds me of that. In every new thing that Elliot does there's a whisper of Karl's absence. He can't babble a "da" without bringing me to tears over all the words Karl won't be here to hear. With each teetering step he takes, I miss the excitement that should be there on the face of a father who so eagerly awaited catching him.

On all the surfaces of our home, once covered with debris from his daily life, memories in the form of photos, writings, audio, and video recordings pile up, threatening to cascade down in an avalanche of grief. the house itself holds on to him - sometimes I find myself running my hands down the wall and feeling the love he had for our home, our child, and our life.

He can't be gone, because so much of him is here, yet it's undeniable that he's gone, and I miss him more than words can tell...

2008-11-10T06:46:00.000-08:00

Oh, yes. Cause of death. 2 coronary arteries blocked at 90%, 1 at 75% leading to heart attack. All other organs (liver included - can you believe it?) pretty healthy. No toxins in his system.

2008-11-09T19:47:00.000-08:00

I chatted with many Kopitskes today. We finally got the full report from the medical examiner's office, so I wanted to share with them the findings. The report describes, in eerie detail, the inside of my husband's body. I hope you never ever have reason to read one of these. It's incredibly difficult, fascinating, creepy, moving, and strange to read of the "glistening" state, various hues, and 'remarkability' (or lack thereof) of the internal organs of somebody you love...

Anyway, the real reason I'm blogging this happens next: as I finished my calls, Elliot reached for the phone. He was tired and cranky, so rather than fight him for it, I just turned it off and handed it over. He sat beside the couch where I couldn't see him, and proceeded to play with my phone. Before I knew it, Karl's voice was speaking in the room "You've reached the cell phone of Karl Kopitske - I can't come to my cell phone right now because of class or work....." If you ever called Karl, I know you know the message I'm talking about. . .

Elliot had turned on the phone, speed-dialed his daddy, and put the call on speaker. He's only 13 months; not old enough yet to understand what he was doing, or how to make the phone work. Normally he pushes random buttons and hopes for lights and noises. Strangely, on a day when Karl's last moments were so heavy in my mind, his random play brought his father's voice unexpectedly into my ear, for which I can only say thank you, little monkey. It was good to hear from Dad.

2008-10-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

Coming Soon: The Monkey Speaks

I've found Karl's stash of micro-cassettes. Soon there will be podcasts available of various Karlish things, from youthful angst to frustrations studying for grammar. I plan to transfer them to digital primarily to preserve them for the little monkey, but I'll let you listen in if you like.

2008-10-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

ELLIOT CAN STAND UP. WITHOUT SUPPORT. AAAAAAARRHHH!!!!!!

2008-10-24T21:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have to preface this with the disclaimer that my culinary ambitions are not nearly a match for those of my late husband (and my, he *is* running awfully late. where could he be!?) Yes, yes, I'm still thriving on denial, but today I took it upon myself to honor his memory by attempting to cook.

I made applesauce.

Simple, yes, but still a major step for a girl who knows how to cook 3 dishes, and 2 are mainly for breakfast.

I had 4 lonely apples about to go bad, and a Pampered Chef slicer-peeler-corer (coolest. gadget. ever.) in the drawer. I read a recipe online, but didn't have what it called for, so, when in the field, improvise, yes?

Here's what I did:

In medium saucepan, place 4 apples peeled, cored, and sliced my the turning of a pampered chef.

Cover with water and bring to a boil.

Add a few shakes of cinnamon, a dash of salt, and 2 squeezes of lemon juice.

Reduce to simmer.

Mind the baby - play with the remote control car he got for his birthday. Change a stinky diaper. Wash hands. Return to kitchen, realize no timer is set. Set timer for 10 minutes.

Return to playing in baby's room. Smell lovely odors from the kitchen and think fondly of applesauce simmering. Try to clean the nursery, get distracted, and miss timer beeping.

Smell intensifies.

Recall husband's theory "I cook with my nose - you can SMELL when it's ready."

Decide it's ready.

Pour off excess liquid, use hand blender to lightly puree.

Refrigerate.

Enjoy cold several hours after forgetting to take to dinner which it was made for.

Delicious.

2008-10-22T19:44:00.000-07:00

Today I didn't leave the house.

I don't really know if this is a good thing, or a bad thing, or not a thing at all. But there it is - I didn't get out of my pajamas. I didn't run errands. I didn't go to the store. Or the bank. Or the park. I didn't really do anything productive around the house either. I did get the photos done for my cousin's wedding. Go me.

And I fed the baby. And I played with the baby. And I had the baby attached to me like some sort of 22lb growth. All. Day. Long.

He was not feeling well today, and he let it be known that my leash was quite short. I had a 6 foot radius - farther than that and he screamed.

So now he's asleep. Who wants to have a party??