I just went in and did a little updating on Karl's FB, so of course I've been in tears the past hour, but as I think about how much I miss him, I can't help but feel grateful for the life he left me.
I've also been so crazy amazed by our kid lately, and I hope wherever he is he can see the delightful little boy Elliot's becoming. He's so like his Daddy - charming, intelligent, totally into leggos, and won't give you a one word answer when he can instead talk your ear off for a whole minute, but the gist of it is still, "Yes."
Life isn't fair. If it were fair, he'd be here to enjoy this time with me - with us. He'd have had enough of a scare that he'd be taking better care of himself, and loving life that much more. His son would know how much he loved him, and how proud he was.
No, it isn't fair. But life isn't bad either. We all have only so much time, and how we choose to spend it matters. Those of us who are here can still stand in the sun and let it shine on out faces. We can run through fountains and spin in circles and laugh at nothing at all. We can appreciate the life we have, make it bigger and better, and in so doing honor the memories of those who go before us.
I'll always miss Karl, but I'll never despair. It's the only way I know to tip the scale. The more pain there is in death, the more joy we need in life. The more I miss him, the more I have to savor the gifts he left.
I may not make it back before Sunday, so I'll just say it now; Happy Father's Day, wherever else you are, I know you are alive in our little monkey. I love you.