Merry Christmas?

Hi there readers.

As predicted, this is hard. The last several days I've been pretty emotional - I find myself tearing up a lot. Usually I can talk about Karl without feeling it too intensely, but with Christmas almost here, it's really difficult. Every morning I wake up to the (usually) smiling face of my beautiful son. I'm flooded with love and amazement, and then, without fail, also flooded with grief. It's amazing that there's room enough for both to coexist in one person... I don't know if it's the holidays, or the passage of time, or all the milestones Elliot is passing without his father, or just old fashioned loneliness... but something has been making the pit in my stomach deeper - the hole in my heart larger. I don't think I'm depressed, although there are some concerning signs. Mostly that I haven't taken out the trash in over a week, and I'm reluctant to get out of bed. But I am as apt to blame the cold weather as the sadness - I usually want to spend the winter tucked in covers, and put off going outside as much as possible. Still, the sadness is a little more intense, and some days I worry that it will never ebb - I'll just get used to it.

But still I am so full of joy every day as Boo learns new things. He's a true blessing; I've never known a more loving, well behaved, engaging baby. Am I perhaps biased? Yes. Sure. Absolutely. But I'm also telling the truth - I love that baby more than anything, and I'm grateful to him every day for loving me back.

I expect I will soon be as overwhelmed with his belongings as I am with his father's - Santa, if you're reading this, be kind! Toys that are smaller than a breadbox would be fantastic. And please don't be upset if some of them take a little time in the closet - we'll need some 'new' toys as the year goes on, so I may be setting a few things aside till I can make a little more room for playing.

How lucky am I that my Big Holiday Fear is getting too much stuff? I do count my blessings every day, and if you are reading this, I probably count you.

Yes. No question. Sadness and all - still - Merry Christmas.