“Hans thought about nothing but Heilner for the rest of the afternoon. What an odd fellow! Hans’ worries and desires simply did not exist for him. He had thoughts and words of his own, he lived a richer and freer life, suffered strange aliments and seemed to despise everything around him [the hypocrisy of his education and his fellows – reading Homer as dissection rather than for inspiration]. He understood the beauty of the ancient columns and walls. And he practiced the mysterious and unusual art of mirroring his soul in verse and of constructing a semblance of a life for himself out of his imagination [he is a poet]. He was quick and untamable and had more fun in a day than Hans in an entire year [Sammy loves ya baby]. He was melancholy and seemed to relish his own sadness like an unusual condition, alien and delicious”(85-86 Beneath The Wheel).

Hesse writes here of boyhood fascination with the artist as a young man, homoerotic and narcissistic to be sure. Hesse is both the envious academic drudge, Hans, who is fueled by externally motivated ambition and he is Heilner, the sensitive artist that finds meaning from within, according to his own hierarchy of value, and who accepts the beauty in melancholy.

How do you keep a houseplant healthy? Every spring you buy a bigger pot, put in fresh soil, give it lots of water and sun. Everything that grows needs freshness – or you stagnate and thrash around. Take a deep breath of fresh air Jen and don’t begrudge the seed its’ shell. Get you some freshness and all will be well. I hope that’s good advice – you can always tell me to take my platitudes and go fuck myself – ha.