Friday, July 10, 2009

I just can't seem to settle down tonight. I've been crying for about 2 hours. For a little while I just stayed in bed, curled up with a pillow, but I couldn't shake it. So I logged on to FB for a little mind numbing.

Not working.

So, instead, I headed over to Matt Logelin's blog to see how he and Maddie are faring. He had a link to another blog - this one a parent who lost his baby daughter recently. Both were exploring the idea of "One more moment" and how desperately they would love just a little more time.

I don't think I could do it - face the moment again when he'd be gone forever. Not for just a minute together - not for an hour. A week? Maybe. A year? Absolutely. But a moment? I really think it would make me crazy. I've been able to be strong looking in his eyes in photos and hearing his voice in videos, but to have to look in his eyes for real, and know he would be gone again? In a moment?

No. Thank you, but no.

And Elliot - how could Karl see him, and not have a million questions, and a million more requests? So much to tell him, and no time to do it? And would he know?? That's been something I cling to - that he never knew he was dying. I desperately hope he passed in a deep sleep, and wasn't tormented by what he was losing.

I could never bring him back just to let him go.

But when it hurts like this - when I can't stop crying... I try to hear his voice and feel his arms around me. It's so hard when the one you miss is the only one who could really comfort you.

Tonight the thin spots are just a little thinner then usual. Just hope I don't wake up with a hangover - dehydrated from making too many tears.


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