A week before Karl died, we decided we weren't spending enough time together, just us, so we planned on making at least every other Thursday a 'date night'. I think about that first (and regrettably last) date night a lot. Part of our evening we spent at a little park about a mile from the house. There is a path that overlooks the river, and a railroad track runs behind a few benches set in a little grassy area.

When we arrived at this spot, a family was there with a little boy. He was about 4 years old, and climbing on the fence to see where the rocks he was throwing were landing. He wasn't strong enough to get them in the river, so he asked Karl to throw one. The boy’s parent’s didn’t seem to mind, so we threw a few rocks in, and Nathanial (who introduced himself as we tossed stones) seemed delighted that Karl was so strong he could get them to the water.

Soon we ran out of stones, so Nathanial grabbed Karl’s hand and started dragging him off to the railroad tracks to fetch more. With a glance at his parents, who again seemed not to be disturbed, Karl followed along, helping the boy pick rocks that would fly well.

We spent about 10 minutes there, playing with Nathanial, chatting a bit with his parents, who we decided had to be the grandparents, raising the child as their own. While he called them “Mom” and “Dad,” they were easily in their 50s, and it seemed unlikely that they were his birth parents. Nathanial was a sweet, well behaved, outgoing kid – whatever the circumstances, I think they were doing a fine job.

As we left the park, we saw the family walking to their car. Be beeped the horn and waved, and Nathanial waved back, calling a cheerful “Goodbye! Nice to meet you!”

Karl smiled benignly. “That’s what Elliot will be like in a few years.” Our boy wasn’t walking yet, and talking still seems a ways off, even now. Karl had nieces and nephews, but none who he saw often, so this was a rare glimpse into this particular age – an age of openness, questions, and wonder. I could see how much Karl looked forward to that time with his son.

While nothing really takes away the pain of missing him, and having him miss Elliot growing up, I’m so very grateful for this evening walk we had with Nathanial. In a small way it gave Karl a surrogate moment with his son; one that he wouldn’t have otherwise had he not taken the outreaching hand of a child.

I'm patting myself on the back today. I mowed the lawn, mopped the kitchen, did 2 loads of laundry, pulled 2 buckets of weeds, took out trash, *and* got the high score on Bejeweled. Plus went out to lunch with a friend, and taught a class. Good day.

I've been asked to present a scholarship in Karl's name in a few weeks. I'm starting to come up with ideas of what to say. If anybody has a high-school senior audience appropriate anecdote about Karl's commitment to academics (I have quite a few myself, but I'm not sure about the 'audience appropriate" bit) please do share.

Yesterday was a big day for Elliot - he mastered slurping spaghetti. Yes, one of the major firsts! Who needs talking when you can eat in such a classy way?

I went to Target today. I spent $28. This is a sign - I don't know what it means, but surely it's a sign if I got out under $100.

I've been feeling disconnected lately. I feel a little like I'm observing my life more than I'm living it. I watch myself do things, and analyze my thoughts and actions, but I'm not often "in the moment."

Bought a new light for the small fish tank. I think the fish are scared - they've been in the dark for at least 2 months, and I don't know that they like being able to see again. I'll have to keep it on for short periods for a while, till it's not so scary.

E has turned into a 7am baby. I think that may be part of my problem of late - I have decidedly *not* turned into a 7am mommy. I'm still more like 11:30....