I’m feeling a little lost today. It’s odd when self perception collides with other views of you. Angela has commented that I seem really happy and together lately while Deby told me today that I have occasionally snapped at her this week and people have asked her if I am doing ok. I think she’s exaggerating. She said she knows that I feel overqualified for the work I do and that I am unhappy in my job, I’m unhappy when birds are attacking, no actually that was kind of fun, but honestly I am really just grateful to have a job. I feel badly that she’s perceiving me this way and I busted my ass this morning to display job commitment, a major shift like a job change is the last thing I need right now. Is my job secure? How long did BJ look, a year or more? And yet I made no secret of the fact that I was applying for those teaching positions. She pointedly asked me, “How old are you going to get before you figure out what you want to do. Don’t you think you better start figuring that out?” I think I’m longing to interact with students in a more meaningful way then the avenues I currently have. What if I were a teacher here? How would that look? I’ve only taken level one, so I’d have a year of classes and then I would have to practice for two years before I was eligible to instruct. Still, I like everything we do here, everything we’re about. If I got my shit together I could do a writing workshop here – but I’m not sure I could stomach saying all those old cliché’s – write what you know – write everyday – start a blog for self growth.

Christine told me last night that she was jealous of how open my life is. She said, “You’re young enough and smart enough that you really could almost go anywhere and do anything.” That’s the trick, what do I want to do. Christine and I really talked about a range of things last night, I keep running our conversation over again in my mind. She flew out this morning to a conference on Celtic studies. I think she and I use language in similar ways which makes it easier to communicate somehow, Adam and I were/are like that too. She left her car at my place and later Vanessa will drop hers off, eek, I’m a car service and I will have been out to the airport twice by days end. Wealth comes in giving. Or does wealth come in being? Small thoughts, what’s my purpose in life, how do I figure that out? I look at images I get from web services like career.com and I don’t see myself reflected there. I feel an affinity with the disaffected writer who is something of a cultural outsider, but what kind of a fantasy is that? I don’t know where I want my stories to go anymore than I know where I want to go. I really need to get clear – to make an effort to get clear on exactly what it is I want. I need to get me found.