Merry Christmas?

Hi there readers.

As predicted, this is hard. The last several days I've been pretty emotional - I find myself tearing up a lot. Usually I can talk about Karl without feeling it too intensely, but with Christmas almost here, it's really difficult. Every morning I wake up to the (usually) smiling face of my beautiful son. I'm flooded with love and amazement, and then, without fail, also flooded with grief. It's amazing that there's room enough for both to coexist in one person... I don't know if it's the holidays, or the passage of time, or all the milestones Elliot is passing without his father, or just old fashioned loneliness... but something has been making the pit in my stomach deeper - the hole in my heart larger. I don't think I'm depressed, although there are some concerning signs. Mostly that I haven't taken out the trash in over a week, and I'm reluctant to get out of bed. But I am as apt to blame the cold weather as the sadness - I usually want to spend the winter tucked in covers, and put off going outside as much as possible. Still, the sadness is a little more intense, and some days I worry that it will never ebb - I'll just get used to it.

But still I am so full of joy every day as Boo learns new things. He's a true blessing; I've never known a more loving, well behaved, engaging baby. Am I perhaps biased? Yes. Sure. Absolutely. But I'm also telling the truth - I love that baby more than anything, and I'm grateful to him every day for loving me back.

I expect I will soon be as overwhelmed with his belongings as I am with his father's - Santa, if you're reading this, be kind! Toys that are smaller than a breadbox would be fantastic. And please don't be upset if some of them take a little time in the closet - we'll need some 'new' toys as the year goes on, so I may be setting a few things aside till I can make a little more room for playing.

How lucky am I that my Big Holiday Fear is getting too much stuff? I do count my blessings every day, and if you are reading this, I probably count you.

Yes. No question. Sadness and all - still - Merry Christmas.

it's almost 3:30 am. i'm awake. i'm filling up online shopping carts and then dumping them out. then going somewhere else and filling other carts and abandoning them too. i have a problem.

My friend Mindy, a former co-worker from CCC and 3rd Degree, lost her brother Saturday. Two other 3rd Degree folks, Elliot, and I spent most of yesterday driving to the small Illinois town where she grew up and doing our best to be supportive. I felt like I should be able to say more - to come up with something comforting, but all I have are the same lines.

Mindy's brother, Matt, was 23. He was killed in his car by a reckless driver. I think about how we lost Karl (what a strange way to talk about death - "lost" - like I lost my keys or the battery cover to Elliot's toy or my homework.. there's loss and there's Loss, I guess) and how shocking it was. How nobody believed it. How I still don't believe it. Looking around at the faces, I saw the same disbelief yesterday, and the same love. My heart goes out to Matt's family and friends, and I hope that time does help us all heal.

Michelle De Seattle totally rocks.
She sent me S'mores.
And baby clothes.
And candy.

Now I just need fire.
For the S'mores.
Not for the baby clothes.
Or the candy.

Huzzah!

So the past few nights I've been trying to get Elliot to go to bed in his crib. Not just sleep there, but fall asleep there. The first night went well, but he took forever to lay down. The second night I thought I might have to shoot myself. Third night, not as bad as the second, but still refusing to put his head down. I guess he hoped if he stayed awake long enough I'd relent and pick him up?

Tonight he fell asleep standing up. Seriously, standing up, leaning on the side of his crib, totally and completely asleep.

Definitely Karl's son.

365

I'm going to do it this year. Really.