I've been thinking about the Taj Mahal. It has a certain resonance at the moment, as I try to sort through my own sense of loss. I love the idea of building something beautiful and inspiring to house the memories of one beloved and lost. I guess in my tiny little way it was what I was attempting by making Karl's urn, although it hasn't nearly the same grandure. I think Karl really loved the idea of being known, and would certainly want to be remembered. I know he is something of a legend to his friends and family in Kirksville, and I imagine wherever it ends up, the bus will be a sort of memorial as well. Sometimes I ponder writing a short story as a memorial - I've tossed about ideas in my head. I think he'd like that. I could self-publish a little edition. I have so many mementos, but nothing monumental, and I just feel like he deserves more. I'll just keep pondering, and maybe take a pilgramage (actual perhaps, but more likely virtual) to India soon for inspiration.... Rest in Peace, Arjumand Banu Begum.

new elliot photos going up on flicker as i type - get em while they're hot!

Things are going well here at circle k. Bedtime has become far less of a struggle, and both E and I are sleeping better. I've spent 3 mornings in the last week cleaning and clearing out in the yard. E is enjoying the outdoors, tho we are having some disagreements on his wearing a hat. I'm for it, he's against. I'm sure I can outlast him, and he will wear it, but it can be trying. It would be wrong to duct tape it to his head, right?

I made cookies and banana bread last week. Baking is nice. I'm on spring break form UMSL this week, and looking forward to a little time to cook a meal that has no frozen parts. Of course, I'll need a recipe :)

I need to put batteries and a tape in one of Karl's many voice recorders and keep it in the car. I keep thinking of things I'd like to post, but by the time I get the baby to sleep, I'm fried, and can't remember any of it.

On the slacking and disapointed in myself front, I've totally fallen off the 365 wagon. I got in a funk a few weeks back, and didn't pick up the camera for 5 days. I haven't recovered from the disappointment, and haven't re-motivated. Taken a few things here and there, but nothing in a one-a-day state of mind. I am thinking I may restart in April.

The house continues to get messier. If anybody needs any tikihookabareware madness sent their way, please let me know. I have so much that I can't bear to give to goodwill yet, but would love to see in a happy home. Just not in mine...

Thinking of a trip to the ville this weekend. Trying to find a traveling partner, but no luck yet. I can make it solo, but it's nice to have another adult just in case.

That's the news that isn't. Life's going on.

Don't you just love spring? I do.

So I'm thinking about wearing a totally inappropriate button from now on.

It was a rough day today. Well, a rough week overall I suppose. E had his first real sick days - he ran a fever for the better part of 3 days, complete with screaming fits and little sleep for either of us.

Adding to the fun was a student who threw a temper tantrum in my class, was rude to me and to my other students, then argued with me about his behavior when I called him on it. This is college, kids, we don't throw things and yell when we are frustrated. We try to behave as if we are adults.

Anyway, I had a class this morning with a group of adults with learning disabilities. I had expressed concern about this being a safe and reasonable activity (flameworking) when I was asked to teach, and our manager assured me that they would be fine. Well, not really. Half of the students couldn't write their names clearly, primarily due to seeming muscle control problems, which is fine except that you really should have a certain degree of dexterity and fine motor control when working with extreme temperatures. Yeah. Stressful.

But none of that has anything to do with the button. At the end of the day today, I had to tell a stranger about my husband. I hate it. I hate saying it, I hate talking about it, I hate every stupid thing I have to say to make me and them feel like it's ok - like I'm ok. . . and what sucks is I can't talk about Karl in the present tense without feeling dishonest (My husband is a great cook) but can't speak in the past tense (*was* a great cook) without the unavoidable question mark from whomever I'm talking to. (Was?)

It's an ugly trap. Pretend he never existed, and swallow any references to him that come to mind - painfun. Pretend he's still here so I can talk about him but not talk about him being gone - painful. Tell the truth, and relive it, and try not to cry, not to make others feel awkward - painful. How to win?

Well, perhaps just force the issue. Start any and all conversations with people I meet with a gesture to the button. Maybe if I say it enough, it won't hurt.

So anyway, it says (in cheery bright colors, WalMart style) "I'm a WIDOW! Ask me how!"

Aug 22, 2008 ... Unfortunately, Jes, no one has a crystal ball.

Angie posted a meme on facebook. You key in "Unfortunately, (your name)" and do a search. This was in my first page of hits. The post is actually about real-estate questions, I think, but the date was ironic.

I went to the bead store today and bought some tools and findings to make some jewelry out of my ever-growing collection of beads. I'm not so sure I got the right stuff for what I'm doing, but I'm sure having fun!

I'm pretty sure I just bribed Elliot for the first time. He didn't want to go up the basement stairs, and I had my hands full of laundry. I've been giving him an M&M now and then, and calling them 'special treats'. Well, he was paused in the landing playing with a bag, and I couldn't leave him there by the stairs, and couldn't pick him up because of the laundry, so I said "If you don't go upstairs, you won't get a special treat." He was up in 2 seconds, running for the candy jar... I'd meant it as more of a threat, but I think he took it a little different.

conclusion: bribery is effective

Woot woot! I woke up all motivated this morning - cleaned the kitchen, collected laundry, fed the baby - and it's only 9am! Hooray for accomplishment days!